Archive February 2005
February 23, 2005

A Riddle

Is a anorexic a lazy bulimic?
Is a anorexic a bulimic with will power?

posted by John 12:38AM

February 22, 2005

Spring Break Advice

Here is my spring break advice.

Drink that drink.
Smoke that spliff.
Snort that shit.
Pop that pill.
Fuck that girl/guy.
Yes do it. It will be hilarious.
No that probably will not get you arrested.
Drink that drink.
Remember he/she was like that when we got here.
Just go anywhere. This is Mexico know one will notice (applicable even if you are not in Mexico).
Of course you have to try that! This is spring break motherfucker.
Yes do it. Know one will ever know.
Fuck that girl/guy.
Oh and drink that drink.

posted by John 6:01PM

February 20, 2005

The Cost of Celebrity

Someone hacked into or stole Paris Hilton's "Sidekick". The contact info was posted online. Here is a link to it. Everyone famous on there is probably going to have to change their numbers, because this is all over the internet.
Ahh the cost of celebrity.

posted by John 6:04PM

February 19, 2005

Being Sick

OMG! Being sick is soooooooooo "in" right now.

Besides me, other super cool dudes are also sick as fuck. It is so happening you have no idea! Tucker Max, Lebron James, and Michael Jackson are all sick!

Michael mother fucking Jackson people! How cool is that! I mean, he is the whole reason I started molesting young boys. Well that and their silky smooth skin, and soft delicate features.

You immune system junkies are so lame. Why don't you go get another vaccine sissy boy? All of us super awesome rad narley tubular dudes are keeping it F-L-U.

posted by John 2:00AM

February 17, 2005

Putting Myself Out There

Nothing much exciting is happening right now, so I have to sort of force a blog entry. Hopefully I will get back off the wagon, or on the wagon, depending upon which wagon you are referring to.
I received one of those chain letter emails. It said to fill out this questionnaire, and send it along. I was bored so I obeyed. I was a bit of a rascal with some of my responses. I am incorrigible.

1. What time is it? 12:01AM
2. Name as it appears on a birth certificate: John Testes McGillicutty
3. Piercings: Tons cause I am such a unique and complex person. I express myself through my body modifications. I have huge holes in my ears and my dick is pierced. I really want to get back at my parents, and I am too scared to go gay.
4. What is the most recent movie you've seen in the theater? Team America: World Police
5. Eye color: Bobby Brown
6. Place of birth: Cambridge, Ma
7. Favorite foods: Kosher foods, I only trust Jews.
8. Ever been to Africa? No, but I do have AIDS.
9. Ever been toilet papering: Yes
10. Love someone so much it made you cry: hahahaha wait wait..... hahahah
11. Been in a car accident: Yep
12. Croutons or bacon bits: What the fuck this is retarded.
13. Favorite day of the week: Are you fucking kidding me?
14. Favorite restaurant: Melting Pot
15. Favorite flower? Vaginas
16. Favorite sport to watch? Competitive eating, Kobayashi!!!
18. Favorite Drink? Alcohol. What happened to 17?
19. Favorite ice cream: I don't fuckin know... chocolate I guess.
20. Disney or Warner Brothers: Disney, WB movies make my preteen dates squirm around too much.
21. Favorite fast food restaurant: Firehouse Subs and Chipotle
22. What color is your bedroom carpet? Grey
23. How many times did you fail your driver's test? 0
24. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail: Some helpful chap who was concerned that my penis size was not satisfying my lover.
25. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Orange Julius
26. What do you do most often when you are bored? Masturbate to chain letter emails.
27. Bedtime: 4:00AM Eastern Time
28. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest? Dean Cain
29. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Pauly Shore
30. Whose are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? Scott Baio
31. Favorite TV shows: Family Guy, The Wire, Entourage, Sopranos, The O.C., Laguna Beach, 24, Wanna Come In?
32. Last person you dined with? Emma
33. Ford or Chevy: Chevy. No wait Ford... ahh hold on... yeah Ford
34. What are you listening to right now? A hookers hurried breathing.
35. Favorite color: Green
36. Lake, Ocean or river: Ocean, only fat girls go to lakes, and rivers are for queers.
37. How many tattoos do you have? Tons, wait do genital warts count as tattoos?
38. Name of a person you wish you could spend more time with: Hugh Hefner
39. NASCAR? Is that redneck slang for ass sex?
40. Time you finished this e-mail: 12:16AM

posted by John 12:34AM

February 9, 2005

Fat Tuesday

For those who do not know last night was Fat Tuesday. I went out to Fat Tuesdays in Gainesville, FL. They were blocking off the street in front for the affair, and many people were expected to show up.

I ate dinner late, sometime around 10. What I ate made me feel nauseas, and I needed to start getting liquored up. To kill two birds with one stone, I started drinking rum and cokes. I felt better; I finished watching UF's basketball team lose to Kentucky then headed out. I am not a big fan of sweet alcoholic drinks, but if I am going to a Fat Tuesday celebration you better believe I am going to be drinking hurricanes. I got one as soon as I got in. Just like all premixed drinks, I thought it was rather weak, so I finished it real fast and got another. This one was also very fruity and weak so I finished that one off quickly as well and got another. When I was coming to the end of hurricane number three I realized that I was not buzzed at all. I had been there for almost an hour, had bought three drinks, and the only thing I had to show for it was less money, and more sweet induced nausea. Therefore, when I go to get another drink I try to negotiate with the girl behind the bar.

Me: "These drinks are doing nothing for me. Can you mix one yourself for me?"
Girl: "No they are premixed."
Me: "How about you pour some of that Vodka right there into it for me."
Girl: "No this is not a negotiation."
Me: "Fine give me another hurricane."

Just as I finish getting my drink, I notice a girl carrying around a bunch of Budweiser E. I see that she is just giving them out. How can I possibly turn down free alcohol? I immediately get my hands on one. For those who do not know Budweiser E is Bud's new beer. It consists of beer, caffeine, guarana, and ginseng. It has an interesting taste. Definitely not bad, but you can hardly tell it is beer. Now I am double fisting my hurricane and my Bud E. I am an idiot so I am alternating sips from both.

I go into Fat Tuesdays. I am hanging out drinking my two drinks at the same time. I see a cute girl looking at me. I look back. She beckons for me to come over, and I do. We exchange names she starts dancing with me. My mind is racing with a very important question. Is this girl fat? She is right on the border in my opinion. She is like 5lbs to 10lbs more overweight than Hilary Duff, if that puts it in perspective. As I am pondering this I look to my right, and a black guy is looking at her. Apparently, he liked her, and he gives me a smile and a head nod of approval. That settles it for me; she has to be too big. I finish my drinks, and she asks me if I remember her name. Of course I had not, and told her so. She laughs it off, and tells me it again. I do not listen.

I cannot be bothered with her right now; WWIII is being fought in my stomach. My stomach is bloated like a Somalian. Even my skin is hurting from it being stretched. I cannot stand up straight. I have never puked in public before, and I am not about to start now. I find a seat at a table, and stay there tasting the Bud E in my throat for the next thirty minutes. I make it home without puking, but I do later in the night. The mixture of bad food, dark liquors, light liquors, sweet liquors, and beer were too much for my stomach to handle.

However, on the bright side I am probably one of the first few people ever to puke off of Bud E. What a distinction!

posted by John 4:08PM

February 7, 2005

I'm Talking Porn

I was talking with my roommate, and we started talking about porn. Apparently, he uses the same porn I do.

I use the free 8 or 15 second (sometimes 30 if your lucky) clips that porn sites provide. For those who do not know (you fags and women out there) there are sites that collect links to all the free video offerings, and then puts them on one easy accessible page. Anyway, my roommate asked if I had seen "Bang Bus". I had, and I told him it was old, and then I started listing all the other "series" I have seen. The list started getting longer and longer, so I decided to shut up less I am construed as some porn freak. Thinking about it now I do not really care what people think, so I am going to list all the porn "series" I can remember off the top of my head. I have also had a couple of drinks and have not watched any of these porn "series" in at least the last 48 hours. This may hinder my performance, but hopefully I will pull through like TO in the Super Bowl. You are the man 81!

The aforementioned Bang Bus
Cum Fiesta - "What's the password? Fiesta!" Every porn should have a catch phrase like this.
Big Naturals - I do not particularly like this one. Usually the girls are fat and ugly. They sacrafice looks for big natural breasts.
Up in the VIP - This one is pretty good. It reminds me of Miami. I think that is where it is filmed. Fucking whores in the VIP.
Mike's Apartment - This has some of the better-looking girls you will find in these free clips. We are suppose to believe that these girls are fucking on camera to get to live in the apartment rent free for a week or something. Yes I do read the story lines.
European Sex Party - European girls are hot.
We Live Together - The two main girls are both getting fat. Well one was fat to begin with, and now the other one is trying to catch up. Lose some weight you dikes!
Capt. Sabian's(sp) Anal Adventures - This guy is hilarious. He takes whores out on his boat then fucks them in the ass.
Peter North - I do not like his stuff his wang is just to big. I cannot pretend it is me railing these whores when they are riding a fucking donkey dick.
Blacks on Blondes - Not very good. They put out a ton of clips too. I guess you like this shit if you are from Compton.
MILF Hunter - This one has been around for a while. I like it. Keep it up MILF hunter you rock.
First Time Auditions - Sometimes these are pretty good. "Sweet" "innocent" whores.
First Time Facials - About the same as the previous one. It may be made by the same folks.
Cum on my Glasses - Not very good. Kind of funny. Take that all over your glasses, nerd whore.
Brutal Dildos - I do not like this series. Too extreme for my tastes.
Street Blowjobs - Not bad. We are supposed to believe that a guy is getting "the girl next door" to blow him for a few bucks.
8th Street Latinas - Pretty good. I think most of these porns are made in South Florida. Maybe its Cali. I have never been there so I wouldn't know.

That is all I can think of right now. I know I am leaving out people, and I am sorry. I want to shout out my man with the eagle tat, who is in most of these "series". He is the hardest working man in the free porn clip market.

Remember all you porn stars out there, you have 8 to 15 seconds to show me something, make it count.

posted by John 12:15AM

February 1, 2005

The Color Purple

It is official purple is the new pink.
I am an expert on noticing trends. I stood by and watched the guys who wear pink wave begin in 2002. It finally reached its peak last year.
This year the guys who wear purple trend is beginning. Not many people besides myself are cool enough to know about this development. It is possible that P. Diddaly and one of the Baldwins are also aware.
Note the date because it will probably be a year before every guy that wants to stand out, is trying to pull off wearing purple.

posted by John 2:37PM