January 4, 2006

How I Avoid Sex

Thanks to feminism, contraceptives, and Paris Hilton many women today shamelessly throw their cooch around in a constant search for validation. They hope that by filling the hole between their legs they will fill the hole in their soul. Of course, the ones hooking up with me are right in this assumption. It is like I tell them "happiness is at the end of my penis".

As vagina is being made more readily available guys are faced with an unforeseen problem. Some of this vagina is attached to women who we may not like, and without the aide of alcohol, we would not find attractive. However, to turn down easy pussy is no easy task.

Many frumpy girls have tried to get a piece of my essence. To avoid getting sucked in/off by their black holes I have devised a strategy that has not failed me yet.

The first thing I try to do to avoid sex is something that comes quite naturally for me. I become criminally offensive. I bring up known "hot topics" like pedophilia and bestiality then vigorously defend them.

Me: "So I said to the zookeeper 'Listen here Adolph if I want to fuck baby seals that is my business. Last time I checked this was America.' Am I right or am I right?"

If that doesn't dry her up, then I institute Plan B.

Plan B may seem counter intuitive, but trust me it gets results. Plan B involves drinking heavily. Yes, this will cause the girl to appear more attractive, but I stay on task. I drink until I cannot lift my head and I am just staring at her tits. Ok so her nipples are hard and I want to suck them. I am now at my most vulnerable point. If I am not careful, I will be tagging that doughy ass with my FDA seal of approval. To get me over this hump and to keep me out from under her hump I seek inspiration from a trusted source… pop culture. These quotes have got me through some tough times.

"Pussy don't bring rainbows and pots of treasure." - Lloyd Banks.
"Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze." - The Girl Next Door.
"In the process of dehumanizing the opposite sex, I had also been dehumanizing myself." - Neil Strauss
"Who let the dogs out?" - Baha Men

Then I just keep pouring liquor down my throat. Once I reach the point were I am swaying in place and responding with primordial grunts I know I am safe. At this point I can barely remember what sex is let alone how to do it. Now my only options are to puke, pass out, or puke while passing out. Problem solved.

posted by John 4:26PM