April 10, 2005

I Smack Asses

Some people have bad habits. Like smoking, biting their fingernails, or killing hookers. I have not killed a hooker in months, so really my only bad habit is that I smack asses.

Oh, it all starts innocently enough. You are friends with a girl, your drinking and being playful, then when she turns around you give her a nice firm smack on the ass. She turns back, laughs and tries to knee you in the groin. You skillfully avoid the blow and counter by grabbing her breasts.

You think "hey that was pretty fun" maybe I should do that more often, and with more girls. So, you go and smack another girl you know on the ass. Of course, she laughs and tries to knee you in the groin, but once again, a handful of tit is your reward.

Harmless fun right? Wrong! The situation I just described is what we in the business call "the gateway smack". Oh, the first hit is quite the rush, but pretty soon you are moving on to more dangerous forms of smack to get your kicks.

For instance the daytime smack. This is when you smack a girl's ass, during the light of day. No alcohol is involved, and the situation does not warrant any sort of ass play. Yet, you have the itch and to satisfy it you smack that ass like her daddy never did.

Another dangerous form of smack occurs as follows. You meet a girl, and flirt with her a bit. Then you just smack her ass, like it was talking back. She may not have been "comfortable" with it, but you got your jollies.

Eventually you bottom out. You start having the urge to slap complete strangers on the ass. Waitresses, stewardesses, nurses, teachers, and eulogists are all targets. This is when you know you have a problem. When you see a strange ass and subconsciously your hand moves in for the smack.

Yes, I fight with this urge everyday.

posted by John 1:39PM