A Man's Guide To Manly Man Tanning

Just like Tom Cruise on Fire Island, summer is coming. Lots of guys want to get tans to appear more attractive to the women folk, and that is their first mistake! If a girl doesn't judge your sexual worth exclusively on how good you are at sports and how much alcohol you can consume, she isn't worth fucking.

If you want a tan for other reasons, like say, as a tax write off. How do you go about acquiring one without developing an uncontrollable lust for penis? Luckily I happen to be man enough to know. First we have to establish what types of tanning are acceptable for men to partake in.

Spray-on tans are the gayest thing in the world. It is never ok for a man to get anything sprayed in his face. The one exception being champagne during a championship celebration. Thankfully all spray-on tanning solutions are laced with jizz to make it adhere to the skin. Am I joking? Do you really want to find out?

Next is tanning beds. A man should never use a tanning bed. Lying in a tube as lights bronze your skin is too easy. It just feels wrong, like looking at a Barry Bonds rookie card. A real man earns his tan from the sun. This also ensures incredibly manly tan lines, which are always the mark of proper man tanning.

However even if you are tanning in the sun there are only certain behaviors that a man should do. I have listed them as followed from least to most manly.

If you go tanning with other guys you are in very dangerous territory. It is extremely necessary that you all are consuming manly amounts of man alcohol. Also, every girl within eyesight must be leered at until she is made to feel uncomfortable. It wouldn't hurt if all present made obscene remarks and gestures towards them too.

If you go tanning by yourself you must be reading or drinking. Make sure to look up often to eye fuck any girls that may be around.

If you go tanning with a girl you must be fucking her or trying to fuck her. Your conversation should almost exclusively consist of thinly veiled sexual innuendos.

Performing a physical activity is one of the best ways to man tan. Some good examples of activities are playing sports, chopping wood, building a deck, and deep-sea fishing.

Finally, the number one most manly way to man tan is… whilst getting a blowjob from a hot chick.