Archive October 2005
October 27, 2005
Hurricane Wilma blew harder than a hooker on a deadline, and ended up sucking worse than a 13 year old with braces and an overactive gag reflex.
I have pictures of the damage, but I am now a refugee like Wyclef, actually I am more like Praz, either way I cannot upload pictures. Luckily I am a master of descriptive prose. I will now paint a vivid picture of the carnage with my skillfully chosen words…. Shit got fucked up.
The first day after Hurricane Wilma I went around looking at how bad other people’s stuff got messed up.
The second day I wanted to go loot the Wal-Mart down the street. Unfortunately there was a line of looters a block long, and when I finally got in they made me pay for the stuff I was looting. It’s a damn good thing thirty bucks for a microwave is such a good deal.
On day three I started stinking. I smelt like Pakistan, and I was ready to leave.
If you want to do anything to help you can send ice, and by ice I mean diamonds and crystal meth.
posted by John 9:53AM
October 16, 2005
I am the Perfect Boyfriend
If there is one-thing girls love to do, it is to process paper work. That is why it is no wonder that so many of these "Boyfriend Applications" are floating around. Personally, I find nothing more attractive then a girl who takes a business like approach to romance. Who would not want to hangout with someone like that? I filled out a couple and a lot of the questions were the same, so I thought I would just condense it down and post it on my website. Ladies consider this my application. Fatties consider this a sensible diet or regular exercise and avoid it.
Hair Color: Bobby Brown
Hair Style: Whitney Houston
Birthday: Once a year
Piercing/tattoos: My bellybutton is pierced, and I have a butterfly tat on the small of my back.
Why do you want to be my Boyfriend?
Because I am desperate.
If I chose you to be my Boyfriend.. what's the first thing you'd do with me or to me?
I would take you to the Olive Garden and order the Never Ending Pasta Bowl. Then we would sit there for hours while you watch me sample every pasta and sauce combination.
What are your hobbies?
I collect light bulbs.
How do you stay in shape?
Running from the Po Po.
Are you a top or bottom?
Power bottom all the way.
Do you fuss over looking good?
Nope that is what makeup is for.
Which side of the bed do you prefer?
I would take the whole bed. You would have to sleep on the floor. Is that going to be a problem?
Do you do drugs and/or alcohol, if so what?
Why are these two grouped together? Drugs are way better than alcohol. Hell, I am chasing the dragon as we speak.
What's your favorite feature about me?
What is your best feature?
Why would you make a great Boyfriend?
Because I would love you, and only steal from you when it was absolutely imperative.
How would you make me happy?
I would get you drunk then tickle you.
If I called you at 3 am & wanted to hang out because I was feeling lonely, and bored what would you do?
Tell you to shut up.
It's my birthday. what would you do?
Tell you to shut up.
It's Christmas and I want more than one present. What do you do?
Tell you to shut up.
How would you show me that you really like me, in person?
By making out with you for like an hour, then crying in your arms for the next 3.
Do you like the beach?
I did, but not anymore because it called me a wigger :(
If we were to go out to a movie would we watch the movie?
Of course, making out at the movies is soooo 8th grade. Trust me I just went to see Elizabethtown with an 8th grader and alls we did was make out.
Would you call me right after we saw each other to make sure I made it home alright?
I didn't drop you off at your house? Where the hell did I leave you?
How would you rate your kisses from 1-10?
Favorite body part on the opposite sex?
Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, player, slut)?
Registered Sex Offender
What Would You do if...
1. I cried: Take it out
2. I said I love you: Put it back in
3. I kissed you: Keep it in
4. I touched your butt: Go faster
5. I was hospitalized: Damn I am good
6. I got in a fight and you were there: Cheer you on! Go! Work the jab! Bob and weave! Upper cut!
7. I pissed you off: Put it back in
It would not be fair, now that you totally want me, not to put up a girlfriend application. So here it is.
Send a picture of yourself (preferably nude) here. A picture is worth a thousand words so try not to say much.
Disclaimer: I am not looking for a girlfriend, so consider me your Everest.
posted by John 10:41PM
October 9, 2005
I once participated in a grueling test of endurance. Some would say tougher than every marathon and triathlon combined. It was a Seinfeldian who could go the longest without masturbating competition.
My three roommates and I undertook this momentous challenge. To the victor would go a couple bucks and a certificate of achievement, but more importantly the highly coveted master of your domain bragging rights.
Two days into the competition one of my roommates dropped out. It was not surprising he was just a kid and lacked the heart of a lion required to compete. A week later, the competition claimed its second victim. He was very poor and in it mostly for the money. However, you need more than greed to drive you on in this beast of a challenge.
I was left to face off against my last roommate. We were both foolish enough to greatly desire the bragging rights. A week and half in, I found out some disturbing news. My roommate had gotten head from the ugly whore next door. I called foul. I argued that since he would not have wanted head from her in normal circumstances, he was essentially masturbating by getting it now. He protested, then agreed that at the end of the week he would bow out of the competition.
For two hellish weeks blood, sweat, and tears were the only fluids allowed to escape from my body. It was a nightmare, and I am pretty sure I almost died. Well maybe not physically, but I am almost positive a part of me died. When the two weeks were up, I rushed to my room and beat my dick like a housewife with a nasty case of sass-mouth.
posted by John 9:33PM