It's Summer Stupid

I like my hoes like summer. With no class.

  Summer is here. The institutions of learning have ceased indoctrinating our impressionable young minds with useless lessons. It is time to sit on our porch with a nice tall glass of lemonade (heavily laced with vodka), and take in the smell of freshly cut grass, god that Sanchez did a great job on the lawn what a find he was. Oh, look there is Alvin the local pedophile in his musical truck selling various frozen sugar phallic symbols to the eager young children. Is there anything better than the sights, sounds, and tastes of summer?

Now for most of you I am sure your summer consists of warm afternoons swimming at the old water hole, followed by wild nights of anal sex and hate crimes. But so much more can be done during these lovely summer months.

Maybe you should take a trip. You know expand your horizons. I hear Europe is lovely this time of year. The locals cannot get enough of our good old-fashioned freedom loving American genitalia. Why not fuck them? It could be a physical salute to the possibilities of life in our country. While you are at it, why don't you pick up a VD or two? What do you think people are referring to when they talk about European culture? Operas and museums? Fuck no, they are talking about bacteria. In fact, it has become an American tradition to go over the "pond" and pick up some sexy new disease. You would be following in a long line of other great Americans like Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Al Gore. They all enjoyed the invigorating nature of a nice bout of European VD. What is the French word for penicillin? p´┐Żnicilline? Beautiful! It truly is the language of love. If European VD is not specifically to your liking, there are still other ways you can use your time in the summer.

How about you spend your summer getting in shape. You can come back to school in the fall looking and feeling great. Of course, everyone knows that the best way to get into shape is with anabolic steroids. With these long summer days, you will have plenty of time to shoot up in your thighs and buttocks (that is the ass for the lay person). Imagine spending your days in the gym with your muscles exploding in ecstasy after every rep. If this does not enthuse you, maybe the rush from a nice roid rage is the kick you are looking for. Smashing skulls while you froth at the mouth is the perfect summer time activity, and it will teach those damn kids once and for all about snickering at your body acne.

What? Spending your summer acquiring sexual diseases and taking illicit drugs does not appeal to you. All right Billy Bob and Suzy Lou Tightass I got just the thing to help fill up your summer days. Learn and perfect the ancient art of public masturbation. Summer provides the perfect environment to practice this noble art form. During the bitter cold months of winter, public masturbators are relegated to movie theaters, buses, and park benches. Summer is really a coming out party for these masters of pocket pool, and you could join them. Public pools are especially a nice place to masturbate. They provide the perfect backdrop with numerous scantily clad members of the opposite sex strolling about; it is perfectly natural for you to exhibit onanistic behavior in such a location. Just make sure you bring a big book, and pretend to be reading it, Johnny Law has a few pet peeves about "indecency".

Whatever you decide to do this summer remember, "don't trust whitey". Also, live it up while you can, fall will come faster than a porn star on his first day.