August 14, 2005

The Hippie Tree Planter

Is there a better place to look for love than online personals? If you said your local Boys and Girls Club, you sir are two steps ahead of the game, and probably a registered sex offender, you rascal!

I am going to be answering some online personals here. This is what we in the business of seduction refer to as "wooing". So, read on to see how I woo the fuck out of these internet sexpots.

These are real personals and these are my real responses to them. However, my tits, they are fake.

I'm genuine and more interested in what I have to offer than what I need.

I am more interested in what you have to offer than what you need too.

After 10 years of treeplanting I will strike up a conversation with almost anyone and I'm far from elitist.

After 15 years of riding the rails giving handjobs for crystal meth, I will strike up a conversation with almost anyone as well. Sometimes I talk so much it gets me in trouble. I often accuse strangers on the street of being "Jews". Also, I like to strike up convos with little boys in the Men's rooms.

I enjoy cultivating delight in people and find unique ways to appreciate folks.

I cultivate marijuana, and sell it to junior high students. You find "unique ways to appreciate folks" is that a reference to kinky sex? Are you into feltching?

I share nice, laugh easily and I'm easy to hang with.

You sound easy. I like that.

I have a lot of interests, take care of myself and take responsibility for my own emotional states. I require care, not work (although because I study philosophy, conversations can get tedious on occasion).

I love philosophy! Did you know that Kant was in love with his sister? He came up with the concept of the categorical imperative to try to find a moral ground to justify incest. Also, did you know that Wittgenstein was a dedicated power bottom?

I have also outgrown cynicism, look for beauty in sweet, small simple things that matter, and even find it on occasion.

Are you talking about midgets? Yeah those little bastards are hard to spot, but when you find one it is a great feeling.

Getting me Ph.d in Social and Political Thought

Wow the University of Phoenix online really does offer quite the variety of majors now days. I am thinking about picking me up a PhD in "Random Musings". I love it when you talk hood like that too. I'm getting me some chicken at Roscoe's later want to come?

Recently learned that I'm absurdly romantic, which was rather a shock to the system, but should be fun to explore.

I thought I was romantic once. It turned out to be food poisoning. Are you sure you didn't eat some bad organic tofu, or maybe one of your pesticide free tomatoes had some form of malicious gut weevil.

Yours in erotic anticipation,

posted by John 6:12PM