September 28, 2006

Vagina Liaison

Well hello there, my name is Kip Cummings, but you can call me Thundercat. I am the world's most renowned and dare I say sexiest vagina liaison. What does a vagina liaison do you ask. Think of me as a master of the labial arts. Sort of like a Mr. Miyagi to a vagina's Daniel-san. Wax on! Wax off!

Perhaps you will understand what I do if I (as the kids say today) "break it down for you… nigga". When a vagina is not performing at maximum capacity, I am called in to tune it up and get it running at full speed. However this takes more than just slapping on some lube and new spark plugs.


Take my first client for example Jackie Joyner-Kersee's vagina. Which I affectionately nicknamed "The Black Hole", because once something entered it never "came" out… oh and because it was black. After she failed to win gold in the 84 Olympics I was called in to help put her over the top. I developed and implemented my (patent pending) extreme waxing program. During my sessions with her she showed the heart of a true champion, and it paid off when she won gold in both the 88 and 92 Olympics.

Another one of my great successes came in 1997 when I took a job working for the Houston Comets of the WNBA. Basketball being a team sport I had to tailor my strategy accordingly. Luckily, few people know more about menstrual synchrony than yours truly. I have a saying "the team that bleeds together… WINS" and that is just what these girls did 4 years in a row.

The vagina is a fickle creature, and no vagina liaison can claim a career of unbridled success. One of the biggest disappointments in my career would have to be Michelle Kwan's vagina. I worked with it in preparation for the 98 Winter Olympics. Sadly, Michelle failed to comply with the strict douching regimen I had designed for her. In my opinion it cost her the gold. What can I say, you can lead a vagina to water but you can't make it douche with it.

The life of a vagina liaison may seem glamorous, but believe you me its not all labia stretches, fancy clit piercings, and space age tampons. You have to be willing to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty. Speaking of which I must be off, it is almost time for Layla Ali's finger bang.

posted by John 7:49PM