The Wonder Years
Now that I am done with school, I have time to sit back and reflect upon my scholastic achievements. Here are 6 stories about some of my proudest moments in academia.
Like Macaulay Culkin my first great achievement was accomplished at a young age. No, I did not get a hand job from Jacko, but something of almost equal awesomeness.
One day in elementary school, we were assigned a project. We had to make stick figures. Then choose a uniform that corresponded to the job we wanted in the future. There were firemen, policemen, baseball players, nurses, doctors, soldiers ect.
I chose transvestite, and used the dress from the homemaker category. I pasted it to my figure and turned it in. Everyone thought this was hilarious. As far as elementary school humor goes this was tops. By the end of the day, everyone had heard about it and I was famous.
One fine day in middle school our Social Studies teacher split us up into groups, and told us we had to design a government. The premise was that we were ship wrecked on an island, and had to start from scratch. We were to make laws, and tell how we plan on building a society.
Since I am a pragmatist at heart I immediately recognized that we would need an expansive population if we hope to make a strong civilization. So I suggested our first law be that we outlaw being gay. I thought this idea was brilliant. The other people in my group disagreed, but eventually bent to my will. One sneaky little bitch goes up and asks the teacher if it is ok if we have a law that says "No gays". The teacher storms over. Everyone in the group tells her it was my idea, and she goes off on me. I try to explain to her the reasoning behind it, but she was still pissed. She then stopped everyone from working and lectured us all on tolerance.
I later spread a successful rumor that she was a lesbian.
In high school I took AP Environmental Science. Obviously it was taught by a no good free loving hippie. She was all about mother earth, helping the underprivileged, and aborting fetuses. You know a typical liberal.
Anyway she gives us this assignment. "You are the mayor of a town. The new dam being built is going to cause the town's river to be redirected through Native American burial land. How would you as mayor handle this situation." Basically, she wants some bullshit on how you would cancel the project, or change it completely to appease the Indians. Also, there were some other questions on whether the environmental impact would be too severe like I give a shit.
Anyway, I raised my hand and asked this question.
Me: "Why do we have to negotiate with savages? Can't we just give them some beads or something for the land."
Teach: "John! They are called Native Americans, and I do not think they would except beads for the land." (Flustered, but surprisingly not mad)
Me: "Sure they would just give them some firewater and they will agree to whatever I tell them too."
Teach: "No!" (More annoyed than mad)
She was surprisingly cool about that little outburst. Of course, later in the year, she did try to get me suspended for something else.
It was my senior year of high school. My testicles had just descended (affectionately named Sir Winston Stapleton and The Admiral Bruce Millhouser) and I was excited about going to college and introducing the old boys to some eager coeds. Our final for AP Literature was to write a spin off on a fairy tale. The teacher told us to write it so that freshman would think it was funny because we were going to perform it for them during the last week of school. I quickly grabbed creative control of our group, and wrote the whole thing. It was a work of art. I had myself literally in tears over my cleverly crafted analogies to female genitalia, and beastiality. I had brilliant stage directions written in to simulate various sexual acts. I turned in the story proudly knowing that my skit would have the freshman in stitches. The next day the teacher asked to speak with my group (this teacher did not really care for me since I had a heated exchange with her over whether or not Jane Eyre was a sadist). I honestly thought she was going to praise us for a hilarious story. This is what I remember her saying.
Teach: "What is this?" (Holding out paper)
Me: "What is wrong? It is our story." (Genuine confusion)
Teach: "Did all of you write this?" (Looking puzzled)
Me: "Well I wrote most of it, but they helped some. And they typed it up."
Teach: "This is the single most offensive thing I have ever read!" (Pauses for effect) "You must have been insane to think that I was going to let you perform this!" (Looking at me)
Me: "What? I thought it was funny, and it does not contain any obscenities."
Teach: "What do you think I was born yesterday! You think I don't know what you are implying with these lines." (Getting angry)
Me: "I can't help what others read into it can I?" (Laughing)
Teach: "This is disgusting! It is nothing but trash! You are getting an F!" (Look of disgust and anger)
In high school, some people were class presidents, valedictorians, state champions, or hot cheerleaders who put out. Those are all great achievements. This was one of mine. I am still proud of this to this very day.
The year was 2000, and I was a dewy eyed freshman about to embark upon his 5 year college odyssey. One of my first classes was Technical Writing. The teacher at the time was notoriously tough. The class consisted of a lecture and a mandatory lab where quizzes were given on the lecture. On the first day of class, I was like a slut without contraceptives, late (and it burned when I pissed). When I got to class the old bastard that was teaching was just finishing up. I procured a syllabus and the class ended approximately 5 minutes after I arrived. Those 5 minutes was the only time I spent in lecture all semester. I never saw that geezer again, and I am sure he is dead now (well I am not that sure, I just assume he is).
This lack of attendance led to one of the funniest answers I have ever submitted on a quiz. My TA for the lab was a real feminist. I am talking butch clothes, a distaste for shaving, and huge penis. She had taken a disliking to me early because I would talk in class. She would actually call me up to the board to do problems to try to punish me. Anyway, I was not doing too well in the class, especially on the quizzes from the lectures. Perusing blank note shells a few minutes before class just was not doing the trick. It was on one particularly tough quiz that this question was posed "Write a sexist statement, then correct it.". I was like a retard with a shiny object. My mind was racing with all the sexist things I could write. Wait this cannot be right they must be trying to trick me I worried. Or maybe the bull dyke has a sense of humor after all I reasoned. Well ok, I can show her I am game. I write, "Hoe bring your ass!" as my sexist statement. Ludacris's ditty (we called songs ditties back in those days) "Hoe" was one of my favorites at the time. I of course corrected that sexist statement with "Miss would you please come here.". Well it turns out that a sexist statement (as brought up in lecture) was something like "The mailman delivered a package." instead of "The mailperson delivered a package." Yes, that class was the first drop of my college career.
I am a lucky person. You know those kids who get leukemia and die? Their luck is the exact opposite of mine. Don't believe me? Check out this little tale.
I was just about to graduate from college. I had taken 3 classes my last semester, and was passing all of them. I did not attend my "Public Choice" class on the last day. The professor was just going to do a review; I figured I did not need it. Besides, if I had any questions I could always go to his office hours and ask him I told myself. Of course me going to any professors office hours was about as common as a hooker without issues with her father. I finish my other 2 finals, and the day before my Public Choice final, I start looking over the material. There were a couple of problems I did not know how to do, so I looked up my professor's office hours for the next day. They were in the morning and the test was in the evening. If I got up on time, I would head over there and ask him some questions I thought. I get up late the next morning and only have an hour to get to my professors office hours. I debate not going, but then I say fuck it I will go. It is possibly my last final ever, I will be responsible. I get there 15 minutes before the end of his office hours.
Me: "Hey, I have a couple of questions."
Prof: "Ok, I guess I have time to answer one. But just one."
Me: "Are you sure I only have like 3 questions."
Prof: "(looks at his watch) There is no time for that. The final is in 5 minutes."
Apparently the last day of class he had announced that the final was in morning, not at our normal class time. If I did not go to the office hours, I would have missed my last final, failed the class, and not graduated.