Advice Archive

How do you know when to dump your wife?

Haha, nice question. I would imagine you should dump her when she starts taking time away from your girlfriend.

I am throwing this guy a bachelor party, is it neccessary to kill the stripper at the end?

No. If you go to Duke you can just choke and rape her.

How can I get my gf to masturbate for me?

Next time you finger her put itching powder on your fingers. Then sit back and enjoy the show.

My girlfriend is kinda wierd, she's either eating, sleeping or having sex. It's not much else she does, and she has alot of everything too. I'm almost afraid to leave her alone for a period of time, in fear of her overeating / cheating / going into a coma. Should I like teach her stuff?

Yes, all girls need to learn things and it is our job as men too teach them. A couple important things you can teach her off the top of my head are how to fetch and when too shut the fuck up. On a side note, hey ladies I'm single!

I really like this guy, how do I get him to ask me out???

Just ask him after you swallow.

Can we have passionate sex? I Live in miami...

Sure but I cannot guarantee that it will be "passionate". If I am drunk it may be "sloppy and disappointing". If I don't care for you as a person it may be "quick and disinterested". Sorry to hear about you living in Miami.

Well my boyfriend never talks to me and is always talkin to my best friend she claims their is nothin between them so wat do I do

I think it is obvious. You should sleep with your best friend... and tape it.

My back is itchy:( whatever shall I do?

Sharon Stone says you should give me head.

How can I find out that he likes me? It's so confusing!!! Im going to prom with him my friends tell me he flirts with me but he won't make a move!!! I've asked him out once before but he told me no, I still like him, it's different now then then. What should I do ask him out again and have the answer no again? I'm scared what should I do? I don't want to get rejected again. I think I love him I can't stop thinking about him.

Hahaha. I feel bad that high school girls are coming to me for advice. Only because it's on the Internet so I cannot placate them with alcohol than take advantage of them. To answer your question I am almost certain you don't love him, and probably only want him that badly because he rejected you and you now feel you need him to validate your own self worth. You should come over to my place, I'll open a box of Franzia and we will talk about it.

How do I know that he likes me?

He tells you when he is about to cum.

How do I suck a guy's dick?


What do guys really like in a woman honestly. What do they like them to do, and what do they like the most. sexually I mean, and what is a dissapointment to them. how would you react to a girl who is pale and has not so perfect skin, and who is a bit on the postpartum side of the body shape? Please fill me in I need to know so that I can improve myself.

This one cracked me up. Especially the line "postpartum side of the body shape". Sexually guys like getting their balls kicked, playing the choking game, and then having their salads tossed. Lose some weight and get a tan... and a boob job.

I have a question. Duh! Anyways, this girls I know has a really nice rack, so I tell her. She slaps me. So I slap her back. Now all of a sudden, Im the bad guy. So what if my 'slap' was with a brick. To me its the same thing. You know? Anyways, "You know?" wasn't my question, well it was a question, but it wasnt the question I was gonna ask you. My question is: was I wrong to put that girl in her place?


I want your sex. What do I do?

Get me drunk and tell me I am pretty.

How do I get a girl to go out with me that likes me and another guy?

The secret is too ignore the girl and go after the guy. That will make her all sorts of jealous.

Ok i want to kno how i can make my boyfrind cum? jus suckin his dick is not doin you have any other ways?

Good thing you came to me with this question. Next time you are blowing him shove some fingers hard up his ass. Then say "You like that Sally? Who is my little bitch?". He will put a fresh coat on your throat I guarantee.

As a child I was repeatedly mollested by my uncle.

Sounds like you were asking for it.

Over time the wounds begain to heal but reciently during an episode of "LOST" I begain to feel homosexual tendencies. They were so strong that I had all I could do to keep from masturbating. My question is should I attempt to casturate myself in an attempt to control these urges?

I thought inducing a homoerotic response was the whole appeal of the show. Yes you should castrate yourself. I can not emphasis this enough people, ALWAYS castrate yourself.

So its like this. I got a few lady friends. You know. Just friends. Nothing (and i mean NOTHING) beyond... unfortunate I know. One of them, who happens to be the colser friend of mine, just so happens to also be and ex of mine. Now I aint no queer who likes having just friends. It's great and all for the laughs, but i do keep suggesting we have meaningless fun sex. It is harmless isnt it?! But she keeps on laughing and not taking it seriously and in the mean time dating guys, who she then has "feelings" for but nothing happens with it and she gets all bummed up and shit. WHAT DO I DO TO MAKE HER UNDERSTAND THAT WE CAN HAVE HARMLESS FUN NO STRINGS ATTACHED AND SHIT SEX?! IT WOULD FUCKING KEEP US BOTH HAPPY AND CONTENT!!! Is there any fucking way to do this or should i just start yelling at the bitch till she gets a restraining order???

Yes you should castrate yourself. Listen here queer, girls are not like the fellas down at the truck stop. Most don't like having meaningless sex, and the ones that do can get it from cooler guys than you.

Can I have your baby?

Depends are you from pure Aryan stock? Sieg Hail!

Should I dump my boyfriend and sleep with you instead?

I don't know about dumping your boyfriend, but sleeping with me is always a good idea.

I keep getting fucked in the head...and not literally... although how is that possible?!

It is possible. I could show you.

Started dating guys I've met online...yep, roll your eyes

Actually I grabbed my balls and rubbed my taint, but I am always doing that.

I just don't get the behavior.

None have raped you yet?

This one guy I see about once a week...for two fucking hours...yep, all he gives me.

It is hard to maintain a buzz for longer than that.

I've given him many outs, even said the ever popular words "Your just not into me", which his reply is, I've been through so much and I really don't know if I can try again, I really like you, but we need to move really slow. And how fucking slow...TWO hours a phone calls...and yet, he emails me some of his personal poetry (I sent him some in past)

You sound like a great couple. Send me some of his poetry.

we've only had sex once...he wanted to wait.

Can you blame him you talked a big game about a "diet".

He even met my friends even though he was really sick. Problem is, I really happen to like this no brainer huh. What's with all the fucking game playing?

The answer lies in the poems. Oh those magnificent poems!

Why are you so beautiful?

Why are you so observant?

Sometimes when I masterbate, I pee on myself...I'm a chick. is this normal?

I certainly hope so. Cause if it ain't then what the hell are we fighting for?

Can girls get pregnant from suckin dick? I heard they can, and am very worried about this, 2 girls hav got pregnant who both sucked on my wilson. now i dno if this is coincidence and that the same week they got rogered in the popper but apparently im the father of both.

Most girls no. English girls yes. Tally ho chap!

My boyfriend has disappeared off the face of the earth. I have no idea where the FUCK he is. I was worried at first, but now i'm just pissed. He hasn't tried to contact me or anything, and his family claims he hasn't been home at all in the past week or so. Should i just consider myself single and move on?

Either he was never your boyfriend or he found out you are pregnant. Either way you are single. YAY!

I really wanna do u, but u live so far away- what should I do?

How far? China? Start digging.

Well theres this girl at my school i really like and i know my parents would have a fit if i asked her out. or went anywhere with her what should I do?

Turn gay. That'll learn'em!

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