Archive February 2006
February 13, 2006

Muhammad Is A True

I received an email from a very insightful and possibly smelly Muslim. In it, he includes an essay entitled "Twelve Proofs That Muhammad Is A True". Because this title is open-ended I can speculate on it's meaning.

Muhammad is a true what? My friend who sent the email would probably argue that the answer is "prophet", while I on the other hand am not convinced. I think the answer is "pussy boy power bottom", and I have twelve proofs of my own to prove it.

1. Less renowned then Jesus walking on water then turning it into wine. Muhammad's miracles include sucking a golf ball through a garden hose, and shitting a whole taco.

2. Muhammad wrote the original script for Brokeback Mountain. In his version there were 27 different scenes involving anal fisting. Hollywood deemed it "too gay".

3. Muhammad never claimed the Koran was holy. Scholars believe he was misinterpreted when talking about his Korean sex boy Lee and his hole.

4. Camels use to be known for swallowing until one gave Muhammad a blowjob.

5. Muhammad never moved a mountain. What he actually said was "move so I can mount him".

6. Muhammad literally pulled the Koran out of his ass. To this day Muslims revere and attempt to imitate the original smell.

7. Allah Akbar is gibberish. Muhammad was trying to discuss actor Alan Alda when some jiz got caught in his throat.

8. Muhammad could never grow a proper beard. His facial hair mainly consisted of the ball pubes from goat herders he would "preach" too.

9. Muhammad was the first Goatse man.

10. Muhammad's shadow was often seen on it's knees bobbing up and down in his cave. Shouts about God echoed through the day and night. Today all Muslims imitate this praying style.

11. Muhammad was immune to AIDS. Not because of any divine power, but because he had so much AIDS in him that the virus decided to not even bother killing him.

12. When Muhammad promised martyrs 72 virgins, he actually meant virgin boys. Think about it, why would anyone want a bloody dick and 72 clingy girls following them around.

These proofs prove that Muhammad is a true lady boy cock jockey. Only an arrogant infidel would deny this revelation.

posted by John 1:00PM

February 07, 2006

Valentine's Day

There is something in the air. It smells like fresh baked desperation. Valentine's Day must be just around the corner.

No matter how much they try to pretend it does not matter to them, all girls want a date for Valentine's Day, which they affectionately refer to as a "VD date". Since girls pretty much suck at sports, drinking, and taking punches they need to get assurance of their worth in other ways and Valentine's Day provides the perfect venue.

Human females have evolved to not go into "heat", and to conceal ovulation (you sneaky minxes). Thankfully, the approach of Valentine's Day sends single girls into an emotional "heat". The few weeks leading up to Valentine's Day is the easiest time of year to get laid. Girls buy more shit than a retard at a hug clearance sale. I am sorry that was wrong I know they are called "little people".

A guy can pretty much say or do anything he wants because girls want, no wait need, to like him. If he says something about "Megan's Law" she will assume he is a lawyer. If he is covered in blood and complements her on the shape of her skull, he must be a brain surgeon. Moreover, if he smiles and nods she thinks he actually finds her interesting and cares about her as a person.

Now is the time for guys to make their move. Storm her castle, fondle her towers, and plunge into her moat. I do not know what that means, but it is probably hot.

posted by John 5:25PM