Archive July 2006
July 27, 2006

What Do You Do?

I just got back from a couple weeks in Washington "DC" (that's street slang for District of Columbia). Believe it or not there are some striking differences between the people in DC and Florida.

The people in DC are dorks. They don't appreciate the Florida style. A fella like me can't even rock some body glitter and get his glow stick on without getting quite a few disconcerting looks. I can't help it if I always have a wicked beat in my head!

Seriously though, the major difference between people in DC and Florida is that in DC the first question everyone asks you is "What do you do?". In Florida this question is usually an afterthought, sometimes muttered in a post-coital embrace. Floridians judge people almost exclusively on their looks just like God intended. Washingtonians are shallower and judge worth on some meaningless social standing. Floridians go out to fuck not network.

Luckily for us Floridians there is a way to avoid a mind numbing conversation about work. To illustrate how I will use some examples from one of my nights out in Georgetown.

I went to a party a couple of lobbyists from "The Hill" (that is street slang for Capitol Hill) were having. Naturally the people attending were eager to yap about their bullshit positions in our illustrious government. Here are a few examples of how I skillfully avoided a bullshit work conversation.

Girl1: "So what do you do?"
Me: "I'm a freelance gynecologist."
Girl1: (laughs) "You are crazy."
Me: "That is DOCTOR crazy to you!"
Girl1: (laughs)
Me: "Wanna see my van?"

And another one

Girl2: "What do you do?"
Me: (looks left then right) "I'm a sex ninja."
Girl2: "Haha, seriously?"
Me: "Shhh!"

I'm probably going to move to DC so I am going to have to come up with quite a few more smart ass responses to the "What do you do?" question. I'm looking forward to it.

posted by John 5:57PM

July 10, 2006

Drinking Toasts

Here are my favorite drinking toasts. I have memorized them all, but can never recall more than one or two when I am drinking. These are great for weddings... and funerals.

Here's to the perfect girl.
Who could ask for more,
She's deaf 'n dumb, oversexed, and owns a liquor store.

Here's to honor.
Get on her,
Stay on her,
And if you can't cum in her,
Cum on her.

Here's to the hole that never heals,
The more you rub it the better it feels,
And all the soap this side of hell,
Won't wash away that fishy smell

Here's to you and here's to me,
And to all the girls that lick us where we pee.

Here's to those who sit when they pee.
We love 'em in leather,
We love 'em in lace,
But we love 'em the best when they sit on our face.

Of all my favorite things to do,
The utmost is to have a brew.
My love grows for my foamy friend,
With each thirst-quenching elbow bend.
Beer's so frothy, smooth and cold--
It's paradise--pure liquid gold.
Yes, beer means many things to me...
That's all for now, I gotta pee!

Here�s to a long life and a happy one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer and another one!

Best while you have it use your breath,
There is no drinking after death.

To women and horses,
And the men that ride them.

DOH - The stuff that buys me beer.
RAY - The guy who sells me beer.
ME - The guys who drinks the beer.
FAR - A long way to get beer.
SO - I'll have another beer.
LA - I'll have another beer.
TEA - No thanks I'm drinking beer.
And that brings me back to DOH!

Here's to women.
No other creature in Heaven or hell,
Can take the fruit from a nut,
Without ever breaking the shell.

Down your throat,
Into your bladder,
Which end it comes out,
Does it really matter?

posted by John 9:09PM