June 15, 2005
My friend proclaimed that handjobs, or as they are known on the street "Jackos", are the next blowjobs. Now most guys would get agitated at someone claiming that HJs are replacing their beloved BJs, and try to lynch the offending propagandist by his testicles. But he is my friend, and besides I found it humorously absurd. What my friend needed though was a sound argument as to why handjobs are the next blowjobs. Saying, "they just are" or "the kids on the OC are doing it" is just not going to justify making this claim.
Luckily for no one I am a master logician. So, I used my skills to construct an argument. Here was my thought processes.
- Lets see handjobs are becoming more popular than blowjobs. This is not true, but how could it possibly be true?
- Handjobs would need to be better than blowjobs in some way. But in what way are they better?
- They are not they are worse... much worse!
- (Moment of genius)
- Shazam! That is it handjobs suck!
My argument: You see we can all agree handjobs suck. Why would you want a girl jerking you off when you could do it better yourself? That is the whole point. You are not supposed to enjoy it. That way when you masturbate it feels that much better. After you experience a bad handjob, you appreciate how good you are at it.
In the long run your pleasure increases because you jerk off much more often than you get blowjobs. Therefore, if you can just increase your self-gratification a bit, the total amount of pleasure increase is very high. Thus, the benefit of handjobs are that they make you appreciate masturbation more. While blowjobs are intense, but momentary pleasure.
I am sure someone could devise some sort of formula or graph to illustrate the pleasure gains scientifically. I just come up with the theories its up to the scientific community to test them. Get to work nerds!
posted by John 8:40PM
June 13, 2005
posted by John 7:28PM
June 12, 2005
Jesus, Jessica Alba, and Hunks
A lot of people come up to me and say "John I heard you have a website. You must get laid all the time, right?"
Of course I laugh in a aw shucks manner, and display all the socially required signs of modesty. Then my face turns serious and I look them dead in the eye. The unflappable honesty of my gaze freezing them where they stand while it draws them into my words. "Son, I get more ass than Jesus," I say. Then I walk away, leaving them to contemplate the implications of that revelation.
Jessica Alba is the most talented woman in Hollywood. I have not seen any of her movies yet, but that is not important. What is important is that she wore a see-through dress to the MTV VMAs. In honor of her great achievement I have put together the Best of Jessica Alba picture gallery. It is hot, I have good taste.
Do not worry ladies I did not forget about you! Well maybe I did, but then I remembered you! I thought it was about time you ladies had something to jerk it too. So, I searched the net and amassed a delectable collection of male eye candy. I call it the Wall of Hunks. Warning! These hunks are so hot you may bust a nut!
posted by John 1:32AM
June 9, 2005
At my work there is this gay Spanish guy. He is short, fat, and flaming. From this moment on I will refer to him as El Gayo. That is Spanish for "creepy ass pirate". He is starting to take notice of my boyish good looks, and taut figure. I get frequent glances, seductive hellos, and my work hand delivered to me from the printer. "Is this yours?" he asks then shoots me a creepy seductive smile, "oh yeah thanks" I reply with an ackward half smile as I avoid eye contact (he totally isn't my type, obvi).
(Sigh) No this El Gayo won't do at all. I miss my old faggidy co-worker. Now that guy was a queer! He makes El Gayo look like Frank Sinatra. Actually more like Frank Sinatra getting his "microphone" polished by a dame and a broad while he eats a steak (very rare obvi) and pounds round after round of neat Scotch.
My old gay co-worker was gayer than AIDS. The Queen Queens was also incredibly enthusiastic. He just loved everything (especially dick obvi). His gay enthusiasm knew no bounds. Whenever anyone told him anything no matter how small or unimportant, his eyes would grow big, he would gasp, and exclaim a series of adjectives glorifying that bit of info as the greatest thing he has ever heard. He did all this without coming off patronizing at all.
To give an example of what a character this guy was. One time I was punching holes in these name cards when he walks into the office.
Gay: (loud gasp) "Oh my God! Look at how much focus you put into your work!" (very enthusiastic and lispy)
Me: (laughs) "Yeah thanks."
Gay: "You know something John.. you are exceptional!"
Me: (laughs) "Yeah.. I know!
Gay: (laughs loudly and clenches hands together) "Oh, I just love your humor!"
Yes that peter eater was always good for a laugh. However, when you take that ass clown and mix him in with a retard, brother you have comedic gold!
It was dinnertime at the office, and pizza was going to be delivered. I am at my computer pretending to be doing work, when out of the corner of my eye I see something astounding. Striding into the room holding a pizza is a retard. Immediately I am captivated. This guy was at least 6 feet and 7 inches tall and every bit of him was retarded. His retarded pants were pulled high up around his retarded stomach. His enormous retard skull was retardedly elongated and misshapen. His retarded face featured thick retard glasses, and he had a big retarded smile displaying huge retarded teeth. A mat of stringy retarded hair was poking out of his retarded pizza boy hat. "Did somebody order pizza? Its pepperoni!" he retardedly announces, his large retarded smile never wavering from his retarded face.
The office is not large and everyone working there is focused on our retarded visitor. There was an unspoken consensus that we must keep this giant retard here for as long as possible. Since we had no shiny toys or kittens to placate him with, the art of conversation would have to be utilized. So a conversation is quickly started and the retard whose name is "Karl" is more than happy to talk with new friends. The atmosphere is electric. I do not even remember all things that I said to the guy, but I am pretty sure I had as big a smile as Karl the whole time. Karl is particularly impressed with the number of computers we have. He inquires if they have "Windows", we tell him they do. Too which he replies.
Karl: "You know I am on the internet!"
Karl: "Yeah I am on the Pizza Movers website."
Someone: "Oh yeah that is great Karl."
Someone else: "Where on the website Karl we want to check you out."
Karl: "Oh I am in the "Special" section."
Everyone bursts out in laughter, I was already in a heightened state of giddiness so I am done. I have to cover my face and swing my chair around I am laughing so hard. Know one can respond because everyone is fighting fits of laughter. Luckily, the anal advocate was there and he springs into action.
Gay: (loud gasp, huge eyes) "Well you are a SPECIAL guy!" (huge grin)
The place erupts with laughter. I was laughing hard before but this caused me to literally fall out of my seat. I was keeled over and I had tears in my eyes, while Karl and the butt bunny were just staring at each other with huge smiles on their faces. Karl then nods and says a goodbye and strolls out.
In conclusion, Tom Cruise is a fag.
posted by John 10:08PM
June 5, 2005
Jessica Simpson Revealed
When I heard that Jessica Simpson had sex with Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera frankly, I was shocked. After I unhooked my testicle clamps from the car battery, I was still pretty surprised that JS would do such a thing. Obviously, Jessica does not know how to measure a man's worth. Hell, she married Nick, when all the members of LFO and O-Town were available. I do not want to say that she could have landed a Joey Fatone, but she definitely could have made a play for him.
Ok her marriage is falling apart. Her husband resents her success and is getting HJs from strippers, but fucking Bam and Knoxville is inexcusable. I mean she could be fucking for spite with someone with talent like say a Brad Pitt, Tom Brady, or Gary Coleman.
If there is karma in this universe then Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Kevin Federline, Pauly Shore, and Wilmer Valderrama will all have there genitals brutally mutilated in some sort of industrial accident. Maybe they will all take a tour of a dildo factory and curiosity will take hold of them, then the next thing you know... the universe will have evened itself out.
posted by John 5:02PM
June 4, 2005
I got a job in the Malaysian sex trade industry! Well not really in the industry, we are more like a peripheral of the industry, i.e. a Fortune 500 company. Anyway the people I work with are ok, besides the fact that every female that works there is completely 100% unfuckable.
In my department, I work closely with a few people. They are all young white males, except for all those blacks, and old people.
One of my co-workers has caught my fancy. He is a metrosexual! Now I have read about these people in books and stuff, but I have never really been forced into close contact with one. So needless to say, I am learning a lot. When you work with someone you have to be around them for like 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, lets see that is like a million hours a month! Not to mention all that "quality time" you spend synergizing in the company's bathroom stalls. I guess what I am trying to say is, that you get to know your co-workers well.
So far my metro has done some really metroie (its a word) things.
Like showing up to work everyday with fancy clothes. If that was not an offense enough to decency, they appear to be clean and meticulously ironed. He did not participate in the first causal Friday, and was ridiculed. Now he does participate but he looks uncomfortable and fidgety, like a girl being fucked in the ass for the first time.
He has applied facial cream at his desk once so far. He usually goes to lunch at restaurants, not of the fast food variety. He brags about how he spent his whole paycheck the previous weekend attending trendy SoBe (South Beach) clubs, and drinking top shelf liquor. He was particularly pleased one Monday when he recounted the tale of how a promoter gave him and his friends free drinks because they looked "young and hip".
When we were told that we had to wear business formal attire for a meeting, he shot his load all over his desk. Well maybe not literally, but I am pretty sure he ejaculated at least a little into his ironed silk boxers upon hearing the news. He then giggled with glee and proclaimed, "it will be like a fashion show" followed by more giggling from him and the gay Spaniard that works across from him.
That is all about him for now. I will keep you all abreast (hehe breast) of future metrosexual occurrences because he fascinates me so.
posted by John 12:47PM