Archive November 2005
November 21, 2005
Frat: My Favorite Four-Letter Word
"Frat" is my favorite four-letter word. Much like the other four letter "f-word" it has the versatility of a hovercraft. Actually "frat" is more like a hovercraft with wings and a wet bar.
Frat can be used in the following ways:
As a noun: "Can I join your frat? I have no friends."
Describing craziness: "That time we got blacked out and had that shaving cream and banana peel fight was totally frat!" or "Who knew Tom Cruise was so frat?"
Describing a style of dress which suppresses individuality: "Hold on, let me get my frat boots on." (Meaning leather flip-flops also known as frat flops)
Referring to being an asshole: "You mean you pissed your bed and blamed it on the sorostitute you had over that night? Nice frat move!"
Meaning drunk: "I just picked up five cases of Natty Light, time to get frat."
Meaning solely for drinking purposes (and a little ass grabbing of course): "Yeah, we're frat friends."
Meaning cool: "Dude, you're totally frat, and that's sweet!" or "Your ass looks totally frat in those jeans."
It can also be conjugated with any prefix or suffix like the words fratty, frattyness, uberfrat, frat-daddy, fratastic, and the Mayor of Fratville.
"Yeah, we had some good ol' drunken fun" is completely different then saying, "Friday night was Frat Mcfrat." The second statement specifically implies the irresponsible abuse of alcohol, public nudity, and a trip to the emergency room.
Do you see the genius in this beautiful word? Now put this dip in your mouth and chug a warm beer you disgusting pledge!
posted by Captain Holler 10:28PM
November 16, 2005
Frat Guy Antics
'Twas the first study day before finals and my fag hag Gilbert and I had just finished working out. After we hit the showers and before we hit the books, we decided to call up "the house" and see if anyone wanted to have a Snappa tournament.
We enlisted about six or seven people so the next logical step was to buy four cases of beer (the high life of course). Upon reaching our home on 10 Frat Row, the people that had so cheerily volunteered to dismiss their responsibilities had all miraculously grown vaginas.
There really was only one thing left for Gilbert and I to do: a 1 on 1 seven game series. To say it started off tumultuous for Gilbert is like saying Tara Reid sort of likes penis. Gilbert drank four beers in the first fifteen minutes of our seven game series and had puked twice within the first half an hour. At one point, it was like I was having a pie-eating contest against Nicole Ritchie, just a lot of puking.
Memory of said game gets fuzzy but Gilbert and I both remember a point in time when we looked left and there were about 38 beers stacked up in a giant pyramid on the table next to us and easily about 20-25 people just watching us play. I blacked out for the majority of what happened after that, but I have been told that during a piss break, Gilbert went out to his car to get a CD. I assumed he was driving somewhere so I ran out into the middle of the Frat Row parking lot on a Wednesday at 2 PM and jumped on his car... oh yeah, by this time I was down to my boxer briefs that were rolled up into my ass making a thong (or maybe it was a thong I can't be sure).
Once the game ended, G called up his usual penis parking spot to come over (while still smelling like sweat and vomit.) She was the roommate of my ex-girlfriend with which I had a glorious sex tape that at the time not everyone in the world had seen yet. In my drunken stupor I bust into Gilbert's room "Dude! (wink, wink) there is a movie you HAVE to see! (wink, wink)" Gilbert gets out of his loft mid-sex and walks to my room where I am showing everyone the video. Gilbert then returns to his prior boning.
As if I had not done enough, I then jumped the balcony and walked the ledge to Gilbert's window, opened it (at which point the girl dives under the covers) and I start to have a normal conversation with Gilbert. Gilbert yells, "Why'd you stop!" at the girl who then goes back to blowing Gilbert's stinky, stinky manhood. I THEEEEEN proceeded to call people over to the window "Yo! Come check out Gilbert getting a BJ!" A line formed at the window and I kept it moving orderly while continuing my conversation with him. I imagine at some point we wrapped up the conversation and I left. I miss college.
posted by Captain Holler 3:12PM
November 14, 2005
There are many stereotypes about sororities and their members. These stereotypes tend to be negative. However, I am here to tell you that though they are absolutely true, sororities and their members are awesome.
Believe it or not sororities are more than just sex cults (though I am not gonna lie that is a big part of it). Sororities are also organizations for girls to gather and openly trash talk about other girls. This is especially true if the other girls are in another sorority, a loser GDI, or a retarded freshman.
Not only are sororities a great place to point out outsiders faults they are also awesome for gossiping about the other members. You see when a girl signs up for a sorority they have to sign a paper were they agree that from then on all their actions are open to scrutiny by every member of the sorority. If she ever does something, they do not like it is the right, nay the duty of every sister to tell every other one about it and to exaggerate the offense as much as possible. It is a little something called sisterhood people, you just wouldn't understand.
Sure every sorority girl enjoys stripping down to her bra and panties and participating in the nightly pillow/tickle fight. However, sorority girls also do a lot for charities, cause somebody has to help cure cancer. What better way to save lives and have a little fun than a date auction social with that frat that uses a lot of hair products.
I hope you learned that sorority members are not just pretty girls with nice tits and sweet asses who are covered in pagan markings, and various excreted fluids. They are also real people! Most of them think they are better than you and are probably right.
posted by John 12:33PM
November 10, 2005
I am making some changes to this site they should be up by Monday. I am going Jacko on this bitch. I am going to change this plain Negro boy of a website, into a beautiful Asian woman.
Basically I am going to start updating every weekday, for all you ethnics and women out there that means Monday through Friday. There will be links, videos, and pictures. Also, I am going to be putting up a new section. I do not want to give anything away, but lets just say it is super gay. A faggity girl convinced me to do it, and she is going to help run it.
Right now you are probably thinking "Why the fuck is he telling me this? Don't tell me about the pain just show me the baby". Well I am going to be accepting submissions from people. If you submit something, funny or interesting I will put it up here. Or if you already have a "blog" (ahm homo) and you have a good entry you want to share I will post it on here and link to your site at the bottom. Get you some traffic son.
God knows I could write funny shit every day of the week, but I thought I would give you kids a shot. This is not unlike the time I started that youth reading program in the back of my van. Lets hope this turns out better, and without a gunfight with the Po Po.
If you have a funny story or rant that you want to share write it up and send it to me [email protected]
posted by John 12:07AM
November 2, 2005
I was at UF for Halloween. Every time I go back to college I get so excited I start drinking every alcoholic beverage I can get my hands on and end up puking like seasick bulimic on an all you can eat cruise.
This Halloween I was the Heineken Looter (see picture). My sister agreed to do my suggestion and was Natalee Holloway (see here). We were quite the pair.
Of course most girls Halloween costumes are either cleavage or ass. Do not guess that as their costume though, because you are suppose to notice the cat ears on their head not their naked bodies.
Speaking of guessing costumes. I had this exchange with a chunky girl.
Chunky Girl: "Guess what my costume is? Everyone gets it on the first try."
Me: "Uhh Kelly Osbourne?"
Chunky Girl: "What?" (looking really hurt)
Me: "You aren't?"
Chunky Girl: "I'm Betty Boop."
posted by John 4:52PM