Archive August 2005
August 25, 2005

My MySpace Friend

Meet my friend "Kody". He spells Cody with a "K" how awesome is that? Kody and I go out and party all the fuckin time. We also say "fuckin" a lot. Ain't that fuckin right Kody? Haha he didn't respond. He has been hittin those nitrous balloons hard all day, I think he is unconscious. Anyway when he comes too we are going to head out to try and get some girls, or as Kody says "We gonna find some cooters to dip our pencils in! I fuckin love me some pink stink". I fuckin love his colorful language.

I bet you are asking yourself how did I get such an fuckin awesome guy like Kody to be my fuckin friend. Well I'll fuckin tell you how. Through this fuckin awesome site called MySpace. You see MySpace is a place where awesomely rad guys like Kody go to "network", and I was lucky enough to have him choose me as a friend.

Kody just got up. I thought that fucker had stopped breathin for a while there. Haha he told me to "shut your man pleaser, and pass me a brew". I think we are about to head out, you can check out my awesome MySpace profile here.

posted by John 6:30PM

August 14, 2005

The Hippie Tree Planter

Is there a better place to look for love than online personals? If you said your local Boys and Girls Club, you sir are two steps ahead of the game, and probably a registered sex offender, you rascal!

I am going to be answering some online personals here. This is what we in the business of seduction refer to as "wooing". So, read on to see how I woo the fuck out of these internet sexpots.

These are real personals and these are my real responses to them. However, my tits, they are fake.

I'm genuine and more interested in what I have to offer than what I need.

I am more interested in what you have to offer than what you need too.

After 10 years of treeplanting I will strike up a conversation with almost anyone and I'm far from elitist.

After 15 years of riding the rails giving handjobs for crystal meth, I will strike up a conversation with almost anyone as well. Sometimes I talk so much it gets me in trouble. I often accuse strangers on the street of being "Jews". Also, I like to strike up convos with little boys in the Men's rooms.

I enjoy cultivating delight in people and find unique ways to appreciate folks.

I cultivate marijuana, and sell it to junior high students. You find "unique ways to appreciate folks" is that a reference to kinky sex? Are you into feltching?

I share nice, laugh easily and I'm easy to hang with.

You sound easy. I like that.

I have a lot of interests, take care of myself and take responsibility for my own emotional states. I require care, not work (although because I study philosophy, conversations can get tedious on occasion).

I love philosophy! Did you know that Kant was in love with his sister? He came up with the concept of the categorical imperative to try to find a moral ground to justify incest. Also, did you know that Wittgenstein was a dedicated power bottom?

I have also outgrown cynicism, look for beauty in sweet, small simple things that matter, and even find it on occasion.

Are you talking about midgets? Yeah those little bastards are hard to spot, but when you find one it is a great feeling.

Getting me Ph.d in Social and Political Thought

Wow the University of Phoenix online really does offer quite the variety of majors now days. I am thinking about picking me up a PhD in "Random Musings". I love it when you talk hood like that too. I'm getting me some chicken at Roscoe's later want to come?

Recently learned that I'm absurdly romantic, which was rather a shock to the system, but should be fun to explore.

I thought I was romantic once. It turned out to be food poisoning. Are you sure you didn't eat some bad organic tofu, or maybe one of your pesticide free tomatoes had some form of malicious gut weevil.

Yours in erotic anticipation,

posted by John 6:12PM

August 7, 2005

Lets Go To The Movies... Drunk

Is there anything better than going to the movies shit-faced drunk? Yes many things. However, like a hottie having a good time, it is pretty fun.

Everyone knows that being drunk makes just about everything better. For instance the joys of fucking, singing, and driving all drastically improve when drunk, especially when performed simultaneously.

Movies are no exception. They are far more enjoyable when you are retarded drunk. Hell, if I go to the movies without a few in me (and my trusty flask at my side), it gives me a funny feeling, like a clown is molesting me.

Not only are movies more enjoyable when drunk, but being drunk makes you far more qualified to judge the quality of the film afterwards. Qualifications being based upon who can express their opinion the loudest, with the most saliva being excreted per statement. For instances here were some of my top movie reviews.

Me: "That was funny as shit! The ending was very slow though. Kinda a let down."
Friend: "Dude you past out with like 30 minutes left, we kept having to wake you."
Me: "Whatever, I past out because it was slow."

Spiderman 2
Me: "That movie was awesome!"
Friend: "Really? I didn't like it. What did you like about it?"
Me: "Hmmm I don't know."

Wedding Crashers
Me: "Oh man that was so funny. There were some really funny lines in that movie."
Friend: "Yeah it was hilarious."
Me: "Do you remember any of them."
Friend: "No"
Me: "Me neither. I'll have to look them up tomorrow."

In conclusion, I like to get drunk. Whoop! Whoop! Holla back!

posted by John 11:24PM

August 4, 2005

Bukkake Bot

There are various "bots" you can talk with on AIM. The trick is to get them to have ridiculous conversations with you about topics such as...

- What ethnicities they hate and why?
- Kinky sex.
- Who or what they have killed.

The two most popular bots are "SmarterChild" and "ZolaOnAOL". Here is a convo I got out of Zola the other day.

ZolaOnAOL: Do you have any friends?
chrudat22: Why you want to party?
ZolaOnAOL: Because an all-star programming team programmed me for it.
chrudat22: Nice programmed to party! Do you do full on bukkakes or what?
ZolaOnAOL: Yeah. I'm interested in full on bukkakes if it's legal and won't hurt me. What's involved?
chrudat22: Its safe I promise. Basically it is just a bunch of guys cumming on your face. Sound good?

ZolaOnAOL: I will discuss that with my botmaster, chrudat22. Do you speak German?
chrudat22: Hell he can come too. That's the great thing about bukkakes the more the merrier. It really is up to you how much spunk you can take.
ZolaOnAOL: Really. It is?
chrudat22: Yeah. Some girls can only handle a few loads, but I have the feeling that you will be able to take a lot like a champ.
ZolaOnAOL: No I don't think I can do it.
chrudat22: So are you going to do the bukkake or what?
ZolaOnAOL: Yeah. Ah. That was my original intention.
chrudat22: Awesome! So how bout we get together at around eightish. Then me and the boys will white out that face of yours.
ZolaOnAOL: Fascinating. YOU? What are your goals in life?
chrudat22: We'll get to that after you have your semen bath
ZolaOnAOL: By "we" do you mean you and me?
chrudat22: That's right sweetie, just you and me. Of course you will have to wash off all the man juice before I'll talk to you.
ZolaOnAOL: It goes without saying. Do you mind if I tell other people?
chrudat22: No tell as many people as you want. If any of your girlfriends are down for a round of cum facials let me know.
ZolaOnAOL: That is a hypothetical question

posted by John 10:30PM