Archive January 2006
January 26, 2006

Very Offensive Jokes

If you are like me, you enjoy getting a reaction out of people... and your right testicle is slightly larger than your left.

Now no one can say for sure if an ability for humor is something you are born with like saliva, or something you acquire later on in life, like an extensive knowledge of tantric sex. Lets hope for your sake it is the later, because you are about to get a lesson in being incredibly funny.

One of the easiest ways to be humorous is to tell highly offensive jokes. Below I have listed my complete repertoire of offensive jokes, use them at your own discretion. And yes I know there are many more dead baby jokes, but I think that using too many of those is crass and conveys a poor social upbringing.

Q: What's the difference between onions and hookers?
A: I don't cry when I chop up hookers.

Q: What's the best part about having sex with twenty-two year olds?
A: There's twenty of them.

Q: What is the worst part about eating bald pussy?
A: Putting the diaper back on.

Q: What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood?
A: I can't gargle with sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: You don't wear boots when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and give him a blowjob.

Q: What is the difference between a mansion and 10 year old?
A: I have never been inside a mansion.

Q: What do call the worthless flesh around a pussy?
A: A woman.

Q: Before your baby died, what did you often fantasize it would become?
A: The President of the United States.

Q: What does 80 year old pussy taste like?
A: Depends!

Q: What is the best part about having sex with a 12 year old in the shower?
A: You can slick her hair back and pretend she is 8.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would also know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

Q: What did the clown say to your dead baby?
A: The clown only fucked your dead baby. He didn't say much.

Q: What turns a fruit into a vegetable?

Q: What is better than having sex with a 10 year old Vietnamese boy?
A: Nothing!

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Q: What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?
A: An erection.

Q: What's the most popular pick up line at the gay bar?
A: May I push in your stool?

Q: How do you make a ten year old girl cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on her Teddy Bear.

Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown suit!

Q: What do lesbians do for fun when they are on their period?
A: Finger-paint.

Q: What is black and blue and hates to have sex?
A: The 7 year old in my trunk.

Q: How does a redneck mother know when her daughter is on the rag?
A: Her son's dick tastes funny.

Q: How many times does a baby spin in a microwave before it explodes?
A: I dunno. Always too busy masturbating to notice.

Q: What is the worst part about having sex with a 3 yr old?
A: Wiping the blood off your clown shoes.

posted by John 4:11PM

January 13, 2006

Double Pee Stain

It was a long weekend in Miami and six people were staying at my house. The usual occurred. We got retardedly frat-drunk, and my friend Gilbert kept getting kicked out of bars. I have to escort Gilbert home and no one is answering my call to come pick me up. Now I know how it feels to be a fat chick at 11PM on a weekend. Gilbert tells me he wants to walk. I try to calmly explain that it is at least four miles, but we all know when a Jew wants to walk somewhere they will part seas to get there. So, we start on our kike… I mean hike. I literally feel like I am hiking because I am wearing Gilbert like a backpack. I guess he considered walking manual labor.

We walk maybe a mile and Gilbert starts puking. Luckily, I am able to flag down a cab. I am trying to get in when Gilbert is like, "Fuck THAT! Now I NEEEED to walk this off!" After some squabbling and slap boxing, I finally turn around and thank the cabbie for stopping, but decline his service. By the time I turn back around, Gilbert is passed out in the bushes. Now I become irate. I start shaking him around, slapping him, lightly nudging him with my foot, and looking for a well to throw him down. A couple cars pulled over thinking I was killing him (they will never understand our love). Finally, I called a cab company, and threw Gilbert (still passed out) in the back of the cab. I let him sleep on the couch in my niece's playroom and he pees on it. The perfect end to the perfect night.

The following night we all go to this club that was the spot at the time. We had reservations, but we get there late so we are forced to buy four bottles (aka. expensive) but who cares it is party time. We get in and start going to town on the bottles. For the first time in my life I also happened to have brought out a bunch of girls, so it's a pretty good time. Then my friend Louis starts stumbling around like a retard in a house of mirrors. It was time to take that animal home. I drive him home, pulling over for some fresh air and vomiting. For cutting my night short, I figured I would reward Louis by letting him sleep on the couch that had been peed on the night prior. I tell him to wait a second while I go drain the snake and when I get back, not only is he sleeping on the couch, but all he is wearing is the shirt he went out in and his black socks. A couple of hot, I mean indecent pictures later, I put gym shorts on him. By the next morning, he had peed the couch.

I would classify the entire weekend as frat to quite frat. I am not sure I ever said anything to my parents about the couch either. I may have blamed it on my niece or something. Moral of the story, if one of your friends is obliterated enough to have to leave a bar early and he asks to sleep on your couch, your answer should be one word: "Depends..."

posted by Captain Holler 3:43PM

January 4, 2006

How I Avoid Sex

Thanks to feminism, contraceptives, and Paris Hilton many women today shamelessly throw their cooch around in a constant search for validation. They hope that by filling the hole between their legs they will fill the hole in their soul. Of course, the ones hooking up with me are right in this assumption. It is like I tell them "happiness is at the end of my penis".

As vagina is being made more readily available guys are faced with an unforeseen problem. Some of this vagina is attached to women who we may not like, and without the aide of alcohol, we would not find attractive. However, to turn down easy pussy is no easy task.

Many frumpy girls have tried to get a piece of my essence. To avoid getting sucked in/off by their black holes I have devised a strategy that has not failed me yet.

The first thing I try to do to avoid sex is something that comes quite naturally for me. I become criminally offensive. I bring up known "hot topics" like pedophilia and bestiality then vigorously defend them.

Me: "So I said to the zookeeper 'Listen here Adolph if I want to fuck baby seals that is my business. Last time I checked this was America.' Am I right or am I right?"

If that doesn't dry her up, then I institute Plan B.

Plan B may seem counter intuitive, but trust me it gets results. Plan B involves drinking heavily. Yes, this will cause the girl to appear more attractive, but I stay on task. I drink until I cannot lift my head and I am just staring at her tits. Ok so her nipples are hard and I want to suck them. I am now at my most vulnerable point. If I am not careful, I will be tagging that doughy ass with my FDA seal of approval. To get me over this hump and to keep me out from under her hump I seek inspiration from a trusted source… pop culture. These quotes have got me through some tough times.

"Pussy don't bring rainbows and pots of treasure." - Lloyd Banks.
"Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze." - The Girl Next Door.
"In the process of dehumanizing the opposite sex, I had also been dehumanizing myself." - Neil Strauss
"Who let the dogs out?" - Baha Men

Then I just keep pouring liquor down my throat. Once I reach the point were I am swaying in place and responding with primordial grunts I know I am safe. At this point I can barely remember what sex is let alone how to do it. Now my only options are to puke, pass out, or puke while passing out. Problem solved.

posted by John 4:26PM