Archive April 2005
April 30, 2005

Fair Xchange

Sexual participation, my motivation
Even though I like the way you work it
You don't deserve it cause you walk around actin like you perfect
Took a while but I finally got it, and like a boss player
Bitch you ain't doin me no favors, fair xchange
Now yo' attitude ain't realistic
Yeah it's true I'm gettin pussy, but baby you gettin dick!
- 2pac

The principle of "fair xchange" is not widely accepted in mainstream society, especially among white people (stupid fucking crackers). This doctrine is rooted in the feminist movements popular in the last century (thank god that is over). Its' underlining doctrine being, as crazy as this may sound to us now, that women and men are equals.

Though the theory is social in nature. Scientists have been able to derive a formula encompassing its basic notion.

The Formula:
Pussy = Dick

A radical attack on the prevailing wisdom of Pussy > Dick. I can provide an example of the "fair xchange" theory in practice from my experience last night.

I wanted to have sex with this girl I know. I made no secret of this, which is my custom. She was unsure about whether she wanted to or not. This caused her to act in a quasi-snobbish, moody, and entitled manner. I had been drinking which is another custom of mine. She tells me she does not want to go to some party, and that she wants to go to a club. Now my feeling on clubs has been established. I believe I handled this properly.

I laughed at her, told her I was not going to a club, and that she should go because I am not going to try to convince her to come with me. She gave a bunch of reasons why she had to go to this club, and then tried to make plans with me for the next day. Her excuses for wanting to go to the club annoyed me so I blew off the future plans with "ahh maybe". This led up to the following exchange, which my friend (who is considered much more callous than me) called "heartless" and "cold".

Girl: Well maybe I can meet up with you after the club closes. I'll give you a call.
Me: Don't bother.
Girl: Well, alright sorry. Talk to you later.
Me: Bye.

I was a little harsh with the girl, but in my defense, I had been drinking. Also, I am an adherent of the "fair xchange" principle, so her behavior really annoyed me.

The principle of "fair xchange" is one I hold in high regard. You would have to be pretty fucking hot to get me to break it.

posted by John 7:04PM

April 28, 2005

Exit Only

I was browsing The Facebook last night. I came across a slut's; I mean girl's profile that had her ass featured as the pic. Tattooed above her ass is the phrase "Exit Only". I laughed at the absurdity of this then moved on. I have seen stupid fucking tats in my day. This was nothing too ridiculous, but for some reason I kept thinking about it. In fact, I laid awake thinking about this girl and her exit only tattoo. What must she have been thinking I wondered. After about an hour I was finally able to reconstruct what happened. Here is what I came up with.

The girl gets a tattoo on her lower back. She loves it and loves to show it off. She jokingly remarks to her friends that she should have got one on her ass that says "exit only" (she got the saying from one of her numerous fuck buddies who tried to fuck her in the ass and when she refused he said "Oh is it exit only?" which caused her to laugh because she had never heard that one before.). Her friends giggle hysterically at her suggestion.

It then dawns on her then that this is the cleverest thing she has ever thought of and she begins to consider it seriously. Furthermore, she thinks the tat will be an excellent conversation starter with guys. Since the only conversations that she enjoys, and can take an active part in involve sex. This tattoo would be the perfect tool for her. She could show it to a hot guy, he would laugh, because who wouldn't it is such a hilarious saying. Then she could tell him how much she "hates when a guy tries to put his dick in my asshole". This would be a natural lead in for her to prattle on about how much she enjoys sex in her vagina, what positions she likes, how good she is at sucking dick ect. God why didn't she think of this earlier this is the perfect tat. She goes to the tattoo parlor and tells the heroin addict behind the counter what she wants done. He of course thinks this is immensely clever, and totally rad. She goes in the back and pulls down her pants (further than need be because, well, she is a whore). The heroin addict stencils in "Exit Only" over her ass crack. He checks it a few times for spelling, and then begins burning the ink into her flesh. She is in pain, but she is completely convinced that this is an awesome tat.

Now lets say some loser ends up marrying or dating this girl seriously. Every time he is hitting it from behind (which is often because that is obviously her favorite position) he is going to see "Exit Only" right above her ass. What is he going to think? First, he will think, "Oh great, I will never get to fuck this girl in the ass". Then from the boredom of throwing his hotdog down her hallway he will ponder the tat further. He will realize that it is a reference to her shitting. He will become disgusted with her. Then his thoughts would turn to why she would get a tat like that. Invariably he will come to the conclusion that she was fucking so many guys, and so many were trying to stick it up in her ass that to save herself the hassle of having to say no, she got this tattoo.

This tattoo successfully conveys the message that she is a crazy slut who shits, and does not like it in the ass. A powerful statement!

posted by John 2:39PM

April 25, 2005


You know they say not to draw the queen of diamonds. Because she will beat you if she's able. And that the queen of hearts is always your best bet.

But I prefer the queen of spades with the phat ass. Whoop! Whoop! Holla back!

posted by John 12:42AM

April 22, 2005

Goodbye College

This is a very emotional letter I wrote saying goodbye to my love. If this had been written on paper it would have been soaked in tears… and semen.

Dear College,

We were the best of friends, and now we must become strangers. But this is the hand fate has dealt us, and we must not conceal this from ourselves as if we were ashamed of it. We are two ships, each of which has its goal and its course. You a beautiful booze cruise, packed with horny coeds, me a sexy sail boat with a huge wang.

We may cross paths again and enjoy a party together (grad school) - then lay quietly in one harbor and in one sunshine, so that it might be thought that we were already at our goal, and that our goals were one and the same. But then the almighty strength of our tasks will force us apart once more into different seas, and perhaps we shall never see one another again. That we have to become strangers to one another is the law to which we are subject. And because of that shall the thought of our former friendship becomes more sacred! Let us raise our glasses and toast to this thought. Life is too short to not appreciate the sublime time when we were more than friends.


posted by John 6:14PM

April 19, 2005

Convincing Women to Have Sex

There is just no reasoning with them. Try and try as you might to convince them that having sex with you would be the best thing that ever happened to them. It does not seem to be doing any good. The bitch just won't listen!

God you should be a lawyer with the rock solid arguments you are presenting. What is her response "Like a Catholic in the White House, it just ain't gonna happen". You then tell her that John Kennedy was a Catholic and President, but that will do no good. She still will not fuck you. As far as you are concerned, her pussy is Tinkerbell it lives in Never Never land.

Most guys fail to realize that on some level a girl is almost always looking for a future fuckmate. The mistake guys make is that when they sense that she may be interested in them, they try to convince her that she is right. She doesn't need you to convince her, what she wants is for you to act in a certain manner so she can convince herself that you are fuckable. The hornier or drunker she is the more leeway she gives you on your behavior and the easier it is for her to convince herself that she wants your baby batter staining her panties.

The game is checkers not lingo. If you try to reason with her, you will just turn her off, shut your mouth and make the right moves. There is a reason debaters do not get laid often. It is because they are obnoxious pot-marked nerds. I do not really know were I was going with that. The point is you do not convince a girl to fuck, she convinces herself.

posted by John 5:37PM

April 14, 2005

My Son The Pimp

When I have a son, he is going to get so much pussy (see I said "when" Laquanda, the kid don't even look like me, yousa hoe!). I want my son to get crazy ass. I'm talking boy band ass. No wait, more like a boy band that just won the national championship. That is the level of ass I am talking about.

I will see to it that he drives the best car in his high school. If I can't afford to get him the best car, then I will send him to a poorer school, were I can afford it.

When my kid goes to college he will join the best frat. By "best", I mean the one that gets the most ass of course (girl ass that is). Most frat guys may be douches, but my son will be their king.

Oh he will be a classy and sharp guy. Well dressed and groomed. He will take his numerous ladies out to nice restaurants, and buy them colorful alcoholic beverages. Then he will fuck the shit on them, while wearing only the finest lambskin condoms.

When my son knocks up a chick, wire hangers will not be necessary. He will take her to the abortion clinic like a gentleman. If the greedy bitch doesn't want to abort it. I will arrange for her to meet with an accident. We will be just like the Kennedy's, only without all the dieing.

Lots of dads live vicariously through their sons in sports. I want to do that as well. But I want to live vicariously through his sex life as well. I will be the world's greatest dad! Nothing is to good for my boy as long as he keeps me in the know.

posted by John 3:19PM

April 10, 2005

I Smack Asses

Some people have bad habits. Like smoking, biting their fingernails, or killing hookers. I have not killed a hooker in months, so really my only bad habit is that I smack asses.

Oh, it all starts innocently enough. You are friends with a girl, your drinking and being playful, then when she turns around you give her a nice firm smack on the ass. She turns back, laughs and tries to knee you in the groin. You skillfully avoid the blow and counter by grabbing her breasts.

You think "hey that was pretty fun" maybe I should do that more often, and with more girls. So, you go and smack another girl you know on the ass. Of course, she laughs and tries to knee you in the groin, but once again, a handful of tit is your reward.

Harmless fun right? Wrong! The situation I just described is what we in the business call "the gateway smack". Oh, the first hit is quite the rush, but pretty soon you are moving on to more dangerous forms of smack to get your kicks.

For instance the daytime smack. This is when you smack a girl's ass, during the light of day. No alcohol is involved, and the situation does not warrant any sort of ass play. Yet, you have the itch and to satisfy it you smack that ass like her daddy never did.

Another dangerous form of smack occurs as follows. You meet a girl, and flirt with her a bit. Then you just smack her ass, like it was talking back. She may not have been "comfortable" with it, but you got your jollies.

Eventually you bottom out. You start having the urge to slap complete strangers on the ass. Waitresses, stewardesses, nurses, teachers, and eulogists are all targets. This is when you know you have a problem. When you see a strange ass and subconsciously your hand moves in for the smack.

Yes, I fight with this urge everyday.

posted by John 1:39PM

April 3, 2005

Pussy Rolodex

What is a pussy rolodex? It is the list of all the girls you have fucked (exempt of any fatties, unless of course you are into that sort of thing). Normally you keep this treasured list safely stored in your mind.

When watching a midget being teabagged by a goat is just not doing it for you anymore. Or if for some strange reason porn is not readily available. You can always turn to your pussy rolodex.

I remember my girlfriend in high school, damn she was hot. And she was 16, wait in my mind she still is 16! Do I dare do her? Hell yes!

Lets see whose next, oh yeah that gorgeous girl I found past out by that dumpster. Just kidding! She wasn't gorgeous.

Remember that time I had wild sex with that girl that looked like Keira Knightly? No? Well I do. Damn that was hot.

Anyway you get the idea. Having a good pussy rolodex is awesome. And over time, the girls in it only get hotter and hotter. You will forget about that c-section scar, or those pesky genital warts. It is like having your own private harem. If you grew up with Mr. Rodgers your imagination should be a finally tuned machine, and you should have no problem recreating and expounding upon your past exploits.

I think many of the world's problems would be solved if every man had a satisfactory pussy rolodex. So, if you don't have one, get to work. Before you make the rest of us miserable.

posted by John 2:30PM