May 29, 2005

Things to say in a Doctor's Office Waiting Room

The waiting room at a doctor's office can be quite uncomfortable. With everyone casting suspicious glances at you trying to determine what sort of STD, you are seeking treatment for. Luckily, I have devised a series of statements to get rid of that waiting room awkwardness. With these helpful little ice breakers you will immediately ingratiate yourself to the whole waiting room, and hopefully contract a few more STDs in the process.

Things to say in a Doctor's Office Waiting Room:

- Did you know that the new strains of Gonorrhea are quite virulent and not susceptible to Penicillin?

- I like to give them a reason to change the paper on the examining table.

- You know I do not trust these so called medical "advancements". Like this oral thermometer. No sir, give me a nice rectal thermometer any day of the week!

- Who here thinks the holocaust actually happened?

- Oh my god look at that guy over there. He looks quite feeble and frail. Look at how brawny and robust I appear in comparison. Why I bet I could break that poor creature in half. He must not come from very good stock… What do you mean he is just a baby? It's Eugenics my dear woman!

- You know who gets a bad rap…Black people!

- This merkin really itches! (A merkin is a pubic wig)

- Who here has heard that Seinfeld joke about waiting rooms? You know the one were he says there are two waiting rooms and that the next is just a smaller waiting room without magazines. (Pause for laughter) Yeah that Seinfeld is a funny guy but I think he might be a J-E-W. I am going to ask Dr. Fiddlestein what he thinks.

- When are they going to start offering medication in convenient suppository form?

- I think I might be coming down with a real bad case of the Chinese.

- This doctor is the best in town. I cum almost every time!

posted by John 5:13PM

May 26, 2005

Corky 4 Prez

What? You want me to tell you my greatest fantasy? My most awesomest of dreams. A dream so near and dear to my heart that I dare not mention it less my words cause my great desire to never come to fruition.

Ok, what the fuck I will. My dream is to one day see a retard play a scientist, doctor, businessman, coach, detective, president, pope, ect. in a movie, on stage, or in my bedroom. The setting is not important, what is important is a full on down syndromed tard in a position of authority. People treating him as if he was normal, and giving him the respect due to his position. Him giving orders in an authoritative manner, with a slight look of self-importance on his retarded face. My god I think that would be the funniest thing in the history of the world.

In the hopes of seeing my dream come true, I wrote an email to Chris Burke. The retarded actor who played Corky on the hit sitcom "Life Goes On". Here is the email I actually wrote to him.

Hi Chris! Let me just start by saying that I am a huge fan of your work. You entertained so many with your performance as Corky on "Life Goes On". You really were a trailblazer for mentally disabled performers.

I would really like to see you continue in this capacity. Maybe push the envelope a little more. I think that you really could do a great job playing the role of a scientist, doctor, or even a captain of industry. I think it would be important for people to see that just because someone is mentally challenged, like yourself, that does not stop them from being whatever they want to be.

The culture of failure that many try to impose upon the mentally disabled is appalling. Why should they have to settle? Greatness is within everyone's reach as long as they work hard and believe in themselves, and you Chris are the greatest testament to that.

I really hope that someone casts you in a more dignified role. Who knows maybe one day I will get to see you play the President of the United States in a major motion picture!

Best of luck, and keep up the singing career. I think you could do a lot of good in that industry too. Who knows maybe you could make TRL!

I think a true "triple threat" is someone who can act, sing, and is retarded. America is ready to accept a retarded pop icon into our ample collective bosom. Where is the retard that will take this thrown?

posted by John 9:32PM

May 21, 2005

Dirty Dolphins Jokes

Humans and dolphins are apparently the only species that have sex purely for pleasure (maybe one day dolphins will learn to have sex for spite as well). Therefore, in honor of our kinship with our hedonistic brethren I have written a bunch of dirty dolphin jokes.

Q: What is the difference between a dolphin and filthy whore?
A: It is understandable for a dolphin to smell and taste like fish.


Q: What is the difference between fucking a dolphin and fucking a fat chick?
A: A dolphin will not stain your sheets with Cheetos powder.

Q: Who many dolphins does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to screw in the light bulb and five to run a train on your whore of a mother.

Q: What is a dolphin's favorite sexual position?
A: Doggystyle because it's the best!

Q: What did the dolphin say to Pam Anderson?
A: Nothing he just came on her chest and left. What you thought he was there to talk?

Q: What is the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise?
A: Dolphins spit while porpoises swallow.

Q: When a dolphin walks into a bar what does he say?
A: Where da white bitches at?

Q: What is the difference between a female dolphin and a retarded girl?
A: I have never had sex with a female dolphin.

Q: What is the difference between fucking a dolphin and fucking an Italian?
A: You would get less slimy fucking a dolphin.

Q: What did the dolphin say to the virgin?
A: Alright we don't have to, but how bout you roll over and let me put it in your ass.

Q: Why do dolphins say eeek eeek eeek?
A: Because if they said that all Mexicans are lazy they would be racist.

Q: Who many times a day do dolphins fuck?
A: How the fuck should I know, perv!

Q: How do you stop a dolphin from having a baby?
A: A wire hanger.

posted by John 2:08AM

May 17, 2005


The restaurant Hooters is a bit of an enigma. How is it possible that a place with that many attractive women working for it has such bad food? Maybe it is just me, but if I were a chef, I would want to work at Hooters.

It is a scientific fact that all waitresses are whores. So why would any heterosexual chef not choose to work at Hooters where he would have a harem of magnificently marvelous mammeries at his disposal? I do not know what Hooters pays their chefs, but as long as it is decent amount, they should be pulling the top chefs in the world. I think a good rule of thumb for businesses should be to knock two grand off the salary for every hot girl you have more than your closest competitor.

Manager: "Listen Morimoto I know you have some skills, but if you want to work at Hooters and have access to our bevy of big-breasted beauties you are going to have to take a pay cut."
Morimoto: "Ok! I rike them a rot!"

Its just that easy!

It just does not make sense to me. Hooters should have a shit load of Iron Chefs in the kitchen. Strip clubs like Scores should have DJ Skribble, DJ Clue, and DJ Tanner spinning those hits. Moreover, Hugh Hefner should have the world's top chemists tending to the chlorine and PH in his Grotto.

posted by John 2:18PM

May 15, 2005

New Stuff

In a effort to promote the cause of objectifying women, I have added the Hot College Girl Battle to my site. I am just like Rosa Parks... if Rosa Parks saw women not as people, but as things that is. I consider myself very brave for taking this stand against militant guerilla nazi feminism. My courage in these dark times almost brings a tear to my eye. So check it out. Two hot college girls enter only one survives!

I have also added a Caption Contest. This is going to be a weekly contest to see who can come up with the best caption for a certain pic. I will decide the winner, and personally congratulate them (if they leave an email). So check that out as well.

posted by John 12:02PM

May 13, 2005

Birthday Fuck Fest

Today is my birthday and I had planned to celebrate by holding a birthday fuck fest. But due to circumstances outside of my control (not a girlfriend btw) I must hold off on it. It would have been quite the adventure to be sure. I do not want to get into the details because I am not doing it, and will probably have to wait until next year. It was a damn good idea though.

Instead I have a little story.

I was playing tennis at my parent's club tennis courts. This is a pretty upscale place. They have a shit load of rules on etiquette, like you must have on a collard shirt ect. Anyway, on the court behind me is a family consisting of a father, mother, little girl (approx 8) and little boy (approx 12). They are playing doubles.

The father is 300+ lbs and obviously one of God's "chosen people". He is not wearing a shirt, and his fupa is flapping around as he waddles around the court. Adding to his offenses to decency, he is shouting constantly in his nauseating New York accent. This is the shit he was yelling and he was dead serious and borderline furious.

Father: What the fuck kind of shot was that! You suck! (too his son)
Father: Fucking do something! Its like I am playing with a retard! (too his daughter)
Father: At least go pick up the balls. You are totally useless! Run! (too his daughter)
Father: I could take all of you! Three on one! Lets go! (too his whole family)

The guy sucked at tennis too. Not only was he a fat piece of shit, but he hit the ball like a limp wristed queer (probably due to the fact that he could not swing the racket around his enormous gut). It was incredibly absurd of him to be talking shit, especially to his own family. Finally, he totally loses his fucking mind. When they are changing sides, he spits in his son's face and slaps him. The mother starts yelling, he throws his racket and walks away. Then the mother chastises the son for provoking him. They collect their rackets and balls and hurry after the father who is in the parking lot.

posted by John 4:33PM

May 11, 2005

Making an Impression

Now I give a lot of advice on how to interact with the opposite sex. I feel it is my duty to do so. It would be selfish of me not to share my extensive knowledge of the "female intellect" (oxymoron… just kidding ladies you know I love ya).

I believe in making an impression on women. Whether the impression is good or bad depends on a variety of variables, which I cannot begin to worry about. Some of the time (most of the time when I am drunk) the impressions I make are extreme. Here is an example from the not too distant past.

To set the scene picture your typical college house party, and me drunk. Now up to this point in the night I had been interacting in a normal manner with my friends and various others at the party. Suddenly my state of drunkenness reached the point were I decided it was time for me to talk to every girl at this party, and by talk I mean yell at from my seat while I was playing cards.

Me: Hey! Slutty blonde come here! Where are you going? I am talking to you!
Me: Hey! Almost fat girl! I know you can hear me! Don't walk away!
Me: Hippy chick! Come here! Let's play cards you dirty hippy!
Me: Slutty blonde you are back! Come here! I want to talk to you!

I continue shouting at every girl in the immediate area and some across the room all whilst I am fighting off my roommate's girlfriend who is trying to muzzle me. By the time I am finished there is a good 10 feet between the table were I am and the next nearest person. All the girls are either lined up on the far wall or have gone outside. It was a funny sight. I settle down and go hangout outside.

I walk back in later, and who is playing cards with a bunch of douchebags slobbering all over her? None other than "Angel Tits". Angel Tits is a really pretty blonde with the most incredible real tits I have ever seen in my life. Her boyfriend is at the party as well, but he is a loser who she is way too good for. She is obviously looking to better deal him because she is always flirting with tons of other guys (who hang all over her like cracked out chimps with mother issues). As my luck would have it one of her admirers gets up to get a drink, I grab his seat and ignore his "hey I was sitting there", till he walks away.

Now Angel Tits is holding court at the table. She has guys hanging all over her delighting in her godly cleavage. She does not get all this attention because she acts overtly slutty, she is just that hot. The guys are all very nice to her and enjoy every kind gaze or word she might favor them with. What a bunch of tools! Her boyfriend is their king. He swoops in to check on his girl every so often to see if she needs anything and to show that he is "with" her. What the guys at the table fail to realize is that if she is with a tool, she is not going to leave one tool for another. What she is looking for is something different and exciting. Here I enter, since I know her situation (we have mutual friends) I immediately get to work separating myself from the pack.

I start by criticizing the way she is playing the card game. She is intrigued, she tells me to "shut up". I do not! I kick the impression making up a notch. I make numerous references to how stupid she is. She is enthralled. I doubt if she has ever had a guy she does not really know talk to her like this (remember she is incredibly hot). Her eyes are now locked unto me, and she is leaning forward with her angel tits resting on the table. My eyes dart between hers and the divine cleavage she is flaunting. Since we are playing a drinking game were you give out drinks, naturally all my drinks are going to her and all of hers are going to me. I decide now is a good time to step my game up. I call her a bitch. I even call her fat. She is totally engaged. She has stopped flirting with the tools. We go back and forth for over an hour. Her boyfriend sensing danger comes over and sits down. We have a bullshit little three-way conversation. Then she tells her boyfriend she is leaving, and that he should stay. He says he will walk her to her car. She agrees but acts annoyed. We say goodbye. On the way to the car, she stops to say goodbye to a girl friend of mine.

Angel Tits: "Who was that guy John?"
Girl: "Oh he is a friend of mine he can be a jerk sometimes."
Angel Tits: "Yeah what an asshole."
Angel Tits: "I mean, who does he think he is?"
Angel Tits: "Tell John that I hate him."

It is obvious that she wants me. Always make an impression. Even a bad impression can turn out to be a good impression.

posted by John 3:18PM

May 06, 2005

South Florida

As soon as I entered the gym, the stench hit me. It was a pungent odor, and I struggled for air as I made my way over to the weights. Was it the smell of blood and sweat that stopped me in my tracks? No, I believe it was Hugo Boss, Old Spice, and J Lo's latest concoctions of deer musk and beaver castoreum.

I was confused but only for a minute. Then I remembered I was back in South Florida. I was the oddball for not being drenched in some form of cologne. What was I thinking, this is the gym. I should have prepped an hour in advance.

There was one particular specimen of douchbaggery that caught my attention. He was wearing a ton of cologne (of course). Also, he had on a pre-faded tight sleeveless shirt. His hair was cut in a high fade and needlessly gelled for its length. The ice in his ears was blinding as it flashed in the gym's bright halogen lights. Of course, the final touch of his workout outfit was a thick gold chain shining on his salon tan skin. He walked from machine to machine with his back arched and chest absurdly pushed out. I do not know if this was due to pride or the intense ass ramming his boyfriend gave him the night before. I can only speculate.

I am not really complaining about the people here, I am merely making observations.

On another note, prom for the local high schools is this weekend. I am excited. Any hot high school girls need a date? I am a gentleman. I'll get you drunk first. Hit me up.

posted by John 11:08AM

May 03, 2005

Drinking Alone

Current Mood: Drunk

10:42 PM
Its that time of the year again. My roommates have all gone home, and once again, it has fallen upon me to consume all the remaining alcohol in our apartment. Last year this resulted in disaster with me getting shitfaced and IMing (yes I am a drunk IMer not dialer, don't ask me why) an ex girlfriend confessing my undying love and proposing marriage. This year we shall see what happens. I am in the midst of it right now, and since there are no TVs left in the apartment, I am online. I am drinking heavily I have a quarter bottle of SoCo, a quarter handle of Captain, and 3 beers to finish. I have to get up early to drive home, so I am drinking as fast as I can.

11:07 PM
Ex's are online as I speak and I have just finished the SoCo. This is dangerous territory. Distraction time. Touch your penis and surf the web.

11:10 PM
I get some funny hits from search engines. You people are a bunch of freaks. Here are my favorite keywords.

girls who masturbate their ass
stuff her box
pretty assses
what college has the hottest girls
angry retard
happy retard
college filthy coeds fsu
blacks on blondes cali clip
peeing in the dark
sex in car blog
mexican donkey show
dh holmes clock stolen (no idea what this means)
fsu academic reputation (haha I am influential)
sub sluts
what is verginity
spontaneous surprises for her (this refers to this page, the bottom of the page)
advice on how to masturbate for girls (lol)
lose 10 pounds in 5 days
playful ass smack
dean cain penis size
angers pedophilia fuck

11:34 PM
Alright girlfriends are now offline. A lot of alcohol too consume, time to stop typing and get down to bizness.

11:39 PM
FUCK! Why does this bitch keep signing back on? She is taunting me. Daring me to IM with something stupid.

11:55 AM
You know my grandpa died this weekend. Also, my roommates for four years moved away. I am extremely vulnerable right now... lets make out.

12:07 AM
My grandpa was a really nice guy. He did not have an exceptional character; he was just a solid person. Once due to senility and drunkenness, he told the whole family that he is huge. He said doctors have always marveled at the size of his member. So at least I carry the gene for a huge wang. Don't think I am going to share that story at the funeral.

12:22 AM
I told myself I wouldn't talk about real personal shit on here. I don't know if I am going to post this shit. It isn't funny; accept in a pathetic sort of way. Why the fuck are you still reading this shit. I am really drunk and rambling.

12:52 AM
LOL I am convincing my little brothers friend to take me with him to high school parties. I am going to check IDs if a girl wants to hook up with me. Prison is not sexy.

1:44 AM
I am ridiculous. Going to bed.

posted by John 1:50AM